Hidden Within
by JestersTear
Summary: Everyone in Hogwarts seems to be dead except Severus and Hermione, and something very dark is at work there. A bit dark, will get lighter in future chapters.
1. The Nightmare Begins

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or the Potter-verse, which belongs to J. K. Rowling, and am not making a profit out of this. This disclaimer covers all chapters.

**Hidden Within**

**Prelude - The Nightmare Begins**

Hermione Granger screamed like mad. One minute she had been thinking about her upcoming detention with Professor Snape, and the next she was staring into Harry Potter's lifeless eyes. It could not have happened, it was too sudden, there had been no warning. She closed her eyes, willing herself to wake up but, deep inside, she knew she wasn't having a nightmare. Slowly, her breathing returned to normal with her exercises. One, two, breathe in. Three, four, breathe out. A few minutes later she opened them again, carefully. The setting hadn't changed. She forced herself to look away from Harry, only to be greeted by the sight of a dead Neville Longbottom. The scream that was about to resurface died stillborn when she saw Ginny Weasley. Also dead. And then the rest of her common room. Hermione darted upstairs to her dormitory, hoping to find someone, anyone, with whom to share this horror, but it only deepened; Parvati Patil's body was there, her throat slit open. When she ran to the boy's dormitory, she already knew she would have no luck. Still, it didn't stop her collapsing when she saw Ron Weasley and Dean Thomas sitting on the floor in front of a chessboard, unnaturally still. There was a pool of congealed blood on the ground between them, both of their blood oddly mingled. Then the world closed upon her and she knew no more.

---

Blood. Pain. And Death. All around him, spreading, stopping him from breathing. Engulfing him like a flame. He was standing just outside Hogwarts' infirmary, and he could see the bodies of Poppy Pomfrey and several of his students, hardly recognisable within the mass of blood. The stench was copper laced with fear, so strong it made his nostrils hurt. He couldn't, for the life of him, figure out how it had happened. He had had a trying seventh year Slytherin-Gryffindor class, where he had awarded the Granger girl a detention for once again ignoring a direct order and trying to assist Neville Longbottom, and he had been meaning to go to the infirmary to check if there was lack of any important potion in the matron's stores. He had no recollection, however, of actually having walked there, certainly no memory of an attack, but proof of one was lying just before his eyes. Albus. Albus would know what to do, how to deal with an attack so sudden that he could not, for the life of him, remember how it had started. All dignity cast aside, Severus Snape ran like a madman, dodging corpses he tried his best not to identify and fighting a violent surge to vomit. All around the school, everywhere he looked, he could see nothing but corpses; there was Susan Bones, a knife still in her chest. However much he ran, the office only seemed to be farther and farther away... there was Minerva McGonagall, lying with her skull cracked open, just outside the Great Hall; he could still make out Flitiwick's half-smashed head as he sped to meet the Headmaster, panic rising with each step. Finding the gargoyle wide open and showing no sign of ever having been a magical guardian only served to increase his fear. He rapidly climbed the once-moving staircase, two steps at a time. When he opened the door to the Headmaster's office, he already knew what awaited him.

---

She woke up feeing sore. Her left arm was numb, and her eyes were swollen, as if she had cried. And she was very, very cold. The dormitory walls seemed to be closing in on her, choking her, preventing her from breathing. Completely taken by panic, she ran as fast as she could, out of the dormitory, out of her room, away from Gryffindor Tower. She was seeing more and more bodies as she ran, but the Headmaster had to be alive. He was more powerful than even Voldemort, he would have survived, he would be able to help her through this madness.

When she reached the gargoyle, it was wide open. Soon after she had begun running up the now still staircase she heard crying. There was someone in the Headmaster's office, and that someone was crying. Hermione slowed her pace, unsure of what to do. If it were the Headmaster, surely he would be trying to do something, not hiding in his office; but, if it were the enemy, wouldn't they be happy? She took a deep breath, straightened her shoulders, and steeled herself for what she would find. Not bothering to knock, she kicked the door open and promptly screamed again. Half-lying on top of his desk was the body of the Headmaster, his white hair marred by streaks of red. And, desesperately cradling his head and crying like a baby, was a very much alive Severus Snape.

---

Severus was startled out of his misery by a terrified scream. He had been too engrossed in his pain to hear the footsteps, but it was impossible not to have heard the scream. He looked away from Albus to the face of Hermione Granger who, at some point, had managed to stop screaming. She rushed over to him.

"Professor." There was a note of hysteria in her voice. "Professor, what happened? Everyone is dead, what happened?"

"I don't know, Miss Granger. Wherever I look I see signs of a struggle, and yet I heard nothing, saw nothing. Is anyone else alive?"

Although his voice didn't reveal it, he was deeply relieved. It hardly mattered that she was the annoying Gryffindor know-it-all. She was another human being, she was alive, and that made her welcome. Severus could easily b described as a solitary man, but a castle full of corpses was not his ideal type of solitude and, truth be told, he only desired solitude when it was not imposed on him.

"No, Professor. Everyone in Gryffindor Tower is dead. I don't know about the other houses."

Very gently Severus laid the Headmaster's head back on the table and closed the old wizard's eyes, oblivious to the bloodstains on his own clothing. "Rest in Peace, Albus," he whispered, then took his wand and cast a spell unknown to her. The Headmaster's body glowed a bright white, and then disappeared altogether. Answering to Hermione's unspoken question, Severus explained. "It is an ancient spell that was conceived during one of the first wars. It releases the soul, and has the side effect of disintegrating the body. It is used mainly during wartime, since it isn't elaborate and poetic like our most common funereal rites, and it doesn't take much energy. I am going to check the castle for survivors now. You may come along if you wish." His voice lacked its usual sting. He had been tested to his limits, and felt like he was going to crack at any second but, for once, he didn't feel the need to take it out on the nearest person. That the nearest person was, to the best of his knowledge, the only one alive also helped. It was obvious that Hermione had gone through enough already.

"Yes. I don't want to be alone. Please."

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**Author's Note: **I am aware this chapter is quite depressing, as will be a few parts of upcoming chapters. Also, please bear in mind that both Severus and Hermione will be out of character in other parts, but there is a reason for both of this, which will be revealed later on. If anyone of the people who read Last Wish is reading this, I know some of you asked me to let you know when my next fic was out, but I don't have an internet connection and have to use friends' occasionally. That is also the reason why I don't do shout-outs, although I read every review (hint!). To the kind person who left me a review on Last Wish offering to be my beta (I don't have your name here, but I saved your e-mail, I swear), if your offer is still up when I get a job, I will most definitely take it. By that time I will either be online at work or have enough money to reactivate my home connection. Anyone in need of a Graphic Designer with five years of experience? ;) I am Portuguese, though, I live in Lisbon. If anyone didn't take the hint earlier, REVIEW, please!****


	2. Acceptance and Adjustments

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters or the Potter-verse, which belongs to J. K. Rowling, and am not making a profit out of this. This disclaimer covers all chapters.

**Hidden Within**

**Chapter One - Acceptance and Adjustments**

After fifteen hours of search, they had eliminated completely the possibility of any other survivors. They were alone in the whole of Hogwarts. A few things, however, were hard to explain. Such as the complete absence of all familiars. Hermione thought she knew every one of Crookshanks' "secret" hideouts, but he had not been found anywhere. Or why they had gone down to the kitchens in their search to discover that, although there were no bodies, there were no house elves in sight. Or even why no ghost could be seen and all the frames were empty, hanging open. Severus ended up agreeing, for the sake of practicality, to teach Hermione the departure spell and, by the time they were done, there were no bodies left. Severus could not recall ever having felt a similar sensation of absolute despair. He had seen all of his colleagues, and students, some of which he had taught for six and a half years, dead. His mentor, the only person who had always believed in him, dead. And now, after having been running on nothing but adrenalin for the past fifteen hours, his body remembered to protest quite effectively. As the last body disappeared, Severus collapsed on the floor, unable to move if his life depended on it. Hermione kneeled next to him, taking his pulse. Her hand was cold and clammy with sweat.

"Professor! What happened?"

"Tired." Even articulating seemed an effort to him and, suddenly, Hermione was aware of exactly how exhausted she also was.

"I understand, sir, but you can't sleep here. I'll help you, get up, please. Where will you be sleeping?"

At least that was an easy question. His quarters were one of the very few places where there had been no bloodshed. Sleeping there would certainly be better than anywhere else.

"My quarters. Downstairs. Dungeons."

Even as she was helping him, Hermione wondered if she would have the strength to keep moving. Every one of her joints was hurting, and her head seemed ready to explode. Still she pushed on. Finally, with Severus giving her terse directions, they arrived at the door to his quarters where, as with everywhere else, the entrance was now unguarded. She walked into his living room with him and helped him onto the sofa, oblivious to her surroundings. She was too tired to even think, and was only marginally better than her professor, who fell asleep before his head touched the sofa.

---

Severus awoke a few hours later, sweating. He had had the most horrid nightmare, where everyone in Hogwarts was dead. Everyone but himself and the Granger girl, that was. Then he took in the state of his clothes and the place where he was sleeping and the icy grip of fear took hold of him. It had been no nightmare. Albus was dead. He got up from the sofa, intent on checking if it truly had been real and, upon exiting his chambers, promptly stumbled on something and fell to the ground. Irritated beyond reason, he lit his wand with an angry _Lumos_. He had just tripped on Hermione Granger.

"Miss Granger, may I ask what is the meaning of this?!? Why, in the name of all that's holy, were you sleeping on the ground outside my doorway??"

She looked up at him with tears welling up in her eyes again. When she spoke, her voice was a combination of a plea with panic, pain, and a touch of madness, temporary as it might be. She clutched the hem of his robes in both hands, in need to feel something solid.

"Please, Professor. I don't want to go to my room. So many people died there, please. I don't want to be alone."

Suddenly Severus felt petty. After so many horrendous things he had witnessed, he had nevertheless been unprepared for the events at the school, he too had been terrified. How could he have expected someone who was little more than a child to be able to deal with it? How could he have taken it out on her? Very softly, he kneeled next to her.

"I can understand that, Miss Granger, but you could have slept inside. There was no need for you to sleep on the floor."

Without thinking, she put her arms around his neck and buried her head in his robes.

"I-I-I didn't want to intrude" she stammered, whether from fear or cold he couldn't tell. Severus needed no more evidence. It had been real. And he also didn't need any more evidence to convince him that she was still in a state of shock. He picked her up easily and carried her to his bedroom, sitting her down at the edge of the bed.

"You can sleep here, Miss Granger. I'll be fine in the living room." As an afterthought he transfigured a set of his own robes into some clean ones for her, and one of his long grey nightshirts into a plain female one and added "There's a bathroom over there. I believe you will feel much better after you've bathed."

Hermione's eyes were filled with gratitude. "Thank you, Professor." He simply nodded and left, wishing he could have a bath as well. He decided he would, when she woke up. Right now she needed both the bath and the bed much more than he did, and he was loathe to use another bathroom now that he had accessed the reality of the massacre. There was an odd sense of security to his quarters that he could feel nowhere else.

---

Hermione woke up feeling considerably better than she had the night before. After having followed her professor's suggestion and taken a bath, she had transfigured a pillowcase into clean underwear, which he had presumably been too polite to do himself, had then changed into it and had, at last, fallen soundly asleep on his four-poster bed. The nightmares she had dreaded hadn't come; she had been too exhausted for even that. Now, in the cold light of day, she tried very hard to adjust herself to her new reality.

While she got up and changed into her new fresh robes, she noticed absently that her "cold light of day" came from a small window high up in the wall, almost on ceiling level. Seen from the outside, it would probably be very near the ground.

When she opened the door and took in the sight that presented itself to her, she felt something she never thought possible: a deep compassion, even sorrow, for her Potions Master. Severus Snape was sitting on the sofa, the bridge of his overlarge nose resting on his index fingers, his thumbs supporting his chin. His shoulders were slumped and she could just make out a deep line beneath his left eye; the right one was hidden from sight by a patch of lank black hair that hung lifelessly from his scalp. He was still in the same teaching robes, stained with Albus Dumbledore's blood where he had held him, and it seemed he hadn't managed to sleep at all after he had given her his bedroom. She approached him carefully and laid a tentative hand on his shoulder.

"Professor?"

"Miss Granger." he acknowledged tiredly. "If you would be so kind as to sit down, please."

Something in his tone told her this was serious. There was something else, apart from all the horror they had already gone through, that was wrong. His next words proved it.

"I tried to contact the Ministry a short while ago. Our Floo Network isn't working. Since all the animals seem to have disappeared, all our communications are off. We seem to be cut out from the world."

Hermione swallowed. She too had hoped they would be able to contact someone, that someone would come for her. That they could know news of the situation outside. And what could possibly be so powerful as to prevent Hogwarts' Floo Network from functioning? Unless someone at the Ministry had purposefully disconnected them, maybe to stop them asking for help during the attack. And why, oh why, could she not remember anything of it?

"So now what do we do, Professor?"

Severus sighed. Typical. They were stuck between a rock and a hard place so, of course, he would be expected to find a solution.

"I honestly don't know, Miss Granger. Although..." He paused, taken by an irrational fear of voicing his thoughts.

"Although what, Professor?"

"I suppose we could simply leave." He felt the air being sucked out of him, black spots appearing before his eyes. If she agreed, if they tried to leave, they would face a fate worst than death, he knew it. They would be caught, they would be tortured, they would be-

"NO!" Her shriek pierced the air, making him jump. "We can't, Professor, we can't, we'll die, please, we can't go outside!" The fear in her voice mirrored the one in his heart, and he felt deeply relieved. He needn't show his own fear. They would not go outside.

"It's OK! Calm down, Miss Granger, we don't have to leave."

"We... don't?"

"No. I must confess I share your opinion. It is probably much worse if we venture outside. We will be safe here. Let's try to gather our memories surrounding the attack. Maybe we can come to some sort of conclusion."

"I don't really remember anything, sir. I remember the end of your class, when you gave me detention. I remember I was thinking about that, but then it seems I was already inside my common room and everyone was dead."

"I'm afraid I'm suffering from the same ailment. I also recollect the end of your class, and, suddenly, I was already outside the Infirmary. We have to do some research about variants of _Obliviate_, or forgetfulness-inducing potions, and also ways of healing selective amnesia. We need to go to the Library and... that is, assuming you are willing to help me."

"Of course! Yes, of course I am, sir." The perspective of taking her mind off of her current situation and plunging it into research was blissful. In any other situation she might have felt flattered as well but, in this one, she knew he was only requesting her help because she was the only one available... the only one alive. Tears came once more to her eyes at the thought of Harry and Ron, and her, only yesterday - or maybe the day before yesterday, time seemed to be losing its meaning -, talking excitedly about how they were going to meet Sirius during the next Hogsmeade weekend. Fortunately her stomach chose that precise moment to rumble most ungracefully, reminding her of how she hadn't had anything to eat for possibly more than twenty-four hours, and distracting her from her grim thoughts.

Severus noticed and almost cursed himself for not having thought of food. Here he was, trapped in a castle with only one survivor, and he was trying to starve her to death!

"Miss Granger, for now I believe food is in order. Please, do sit at the table." He gestured towards his small living room table and Hermione felt yet another wave of relief wash through her. He wasn't going to send her to the Great Hall; she didn't think she would be able to stand seeing all the empty places. As she sat down he conjured milk and fruit.

"I fear, Miss Granger, that you will need to settle yourself for this breakfast; unless, of course, you wish to go into the kitchen and cook some yourself."

In fact, all the food in Hogwarts had always been cooked by the house elves; the only magical thing about it was the way it was brought to the students' plates and, being in no mood to cook, Severus had simply sent for things that didn't need to be cooked.

"This is fine, professor, thank you."

With a curt nod, Severus turned and disappeared into the bedroom, intent on having his long-deserved bath. Hopefully it would clean his mind along with his body.

---

When he returned to the living room, Hermione had already finished her breakfast and was sitting politely on his sofa, her twisting hands the only indication of her nervousness.

"Are you ready, Miss Granger?"

"Yes, sir. But maybe you should eat as well, before we go, you haven't eaten anything for at least as long as I hadn't. You'll collapse if you keep it up."

Seeing the wisdom in her words, Severus grabbed an apple and signalled for her to follow. Maybe they could still figure out what had happened and why they couldn't remember.

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**Author's Note: **Thank you very much to the people who managed to review in spite of FFnet's crazy state this last week, I hope you like this chapter. Please review and make me happy!


	3. Roundabouts and Revelations

**Hidden Within**

**Chapter Two - Roundabouts and Revelations**

Sitting once more on Severus's table, with a stack of books piled between them, Severus and Hermione took notes. They couldn't tell how many days had passed, only that they ate when they were hungry and slept when they were sleepy. He had allowed her to sleep in his bedroom on a permanent basis, having transfigured the living room sofa into a bed for himself. He could easily understand the fear she felt of leaving his quarters, that only safe spot in the whole of Hogwarts. Even the library had felt oppressive; on that first trip they had made there they had been unwilling to sit there, and had opted to bring the books to the dungeons instead. Now, after two more such trips, his quarters were an endless sea of books, his own collection neatly placed on his shelves and the few hundred others they had brought down lying on every available place in the room. Of course, having a bed and a magically enlarged table in that relatively small room did nothing for décor, either.

Taken by a sudden rage, Severus shut his book and threw his quill to the floor, standing up. He would have thrown the book after it if he didn't have so much respect for books. Startled, Hermione looked up from her research.

"Is something the matter, sir?"

"It's no use! It's simply no use! I have tried every diagnose spell I know and some I shouldn't know, our memories have not been tampered with! Which leaves us with the selective amnesia theory, except the only potion that could possibly help the memories surface again requires the use of freshly caught mandrake root and we don't have any! Yes, Miss Granger, something definitely _is_ the matter!"

Hermione closed her own book softly. She wasn't used to such outbursts from her otherwise quiet professor - because, yes, he had revealed himself quiet, and not even slightly venomous -, but she could empathise with him. A Potions Master, convinced he could brew a simple potion to help them out of their particularly desesperate situation, prevented from doing so by the inability to obtain a common ingredient. She transfigured one of the chairs into a comfortable sofa, promising herself she would transfigure it back later - the room was crowded enough as it was. She rose effortlessly and walked towards him.

"Please sit down, Professor. You're overworking yourself and it's doing you no good."

Oddly touched by her concern, Severus complied, and was surprised to see her sitting next to him.

"Maybe we shouldn't be so obsessive about this research. Maybe we should take breaks and do other things, even if it's just talking. Is there anything you'd like to talk about, sir?"

He smiled inwardly at the way she addressed him; for all they knew they were the only two people left in the world, but still her respect was unwavering. Driven by a strange and unknown force, commonly known as impulse, he replied. 

"Given our rather... unusual circumstances, Miss Granger, you may, if you so wish, call me Severus."

She broke into an awed smile. "Thank you sir... I mean, thank you, Severus. If you would call me Hermione..."

"Very well... Hermione."

They discovered a new complicity after that. Hermione never let him feel too depressed and he, in turn, helped and taught her. In whatever time had passed since the massacre, with his help, she acquired an extensive knowledge in Potions, Transfiguration and Charms, most not included on her curriculum but rather useful. She came to understand, as she had already had a hint during his duel with Gilderoy Lockhart in her second year, that his disdain of "foolish wand waving" stemmed not from any lack of skill with a wand, but rather from an excess skill. Spells held little secrets for her Potions Master to discover.

Sometimes they would plunder his fiction collection and simply read to each other. Hermione still mourned the loss of her friends, but the feelings of despair were rapidly receding. All in all, definitely not what she would have envisioned if someone had told her that she would be alone with, of all people, Severus Snape.

However one day it changed. She could tell his sleep hadn't been restful by the way his sheets were the next morning. Ever since that day he threw himself into research with a vengeance, sometimes not sleeping for days on end. He barely ate and did not speak altogether, mumbling monosyllables when it was absolutely imperative for communication. Hermione was beginning to feel extremely worried, and it didn't help when the deep lines below his eyes became impossibly deeper.

Finally, with an enraged scream, he cleared the table with his arm, sending everything on it flying. Books, quill, inkwell, notes, even the table itself went crashing down. Hermione, who had been getting ready for bed, came running from the bedroom.

"Severus! Severus, calm down! Please, what is it?"

"It's useless! I've been trying, it should work! God damn it, this spell should have worked if I was a bloody muggle!"

"Severus, what spell? You haven't told me anything. What should have worked?"

He sat down on the sofa she had never retransfigured, suddenly drained of his anger, taking in air in ragged gulps.

"I've been developing a spell. For the Floo. It should have worked even if it's been disconnected at the source. It should work. I've gone over the notes, over and over, Hermione, I can't do it. I can't get us out of here. Forgive me, I can't get us out. I can't make it work."

The tone of his voice almost made her want to cry. He had, against everything she would have expected, tried to help her, been kind to her, even gentle, and she had missed all the signs. He felt guilty. He felt guilty and had been killing himself over research because he somehow felt it was his obligation to take her somewhere safe. Without thinking about it, she came closer and surrounded him with her arms in a tight embrace.

"It's alright, Severus, it is. It's not your fault." It wasn't until she had him in her arms that she realised how much she had missed human contact. How good it felt, almost liberating. It felt right. Severus, for his part, was too beat to fight it. The way she held him, even after he had so obviously failed, made his eyes burn. He closed them and leaned into her embrace, still asking forgiveness.

"It's not your fault. Please don't do this to yourself, Severus."

She caressed his hair, oilier than normal from the time he had spent immersed in research.

"You don't understand. It is my fault."

"No, Severus-"

"YES! It is! You don't know. I've been a Death Eater, Hermione, I've been a spy. I should have known about the attack, should have prevented it, but I knew nothing. NOTHING! I should have known, but-"

"You couldn't. Not if they didn't tell you. It's not your fault. And I already knew you were spying, Harry followed you to a gathering last year. Said you were the only one there with a soul."

"'The only one there with a soul'!" Severus laughed, a manic, frightening laughter. "You still don't understand! It was meant for me! Lucius Malfoy talked to me, he intruded in my sleep the other night. He _meant_ to let me live. It is my fault."

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**Author's Note: **I'm very sorry for this chapter's length, but it's half past five in the morning (!) and my eyes, as well as the rest of me, are going into shutdown mode. Not to mention I still don't have the title for this chapter as I write this. I try to update this fic every week, religiously but, since this is so short, if you are very, very nice to me and leave me plenty of medichocolate - I'm sorry, I meant reviews - I'll post chapter three on Thursday and four next Monday, and I promise chapter three will be the beginning of a brand new phase for Severus and Hermione… Thank you very much to everyone who has reviewed so far, I'm grinning like the Cheshire cat.


	4. Understanding

**Hidden Within**

**Chapter Three - Understanding**

"Severus, listen to yourself. Lucius Malfoy killed Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore to get back at _you_? Wouldn't he have done it to please Voldemort, if it had been in his power? And would he have killed his own son in the process? Because, you have to remember, we saw Draco's body. You had a nightmare, nothing more. Voldemort had many reasons to want Harry and the Headmaster dead, but you weren't one of them. Not your fault."

Severus felt his mind begin to clear. A nightmare, only a nightmare. Not his fault. He felt partly ashamed of his weakness, especially because it had been allied with delusions of grandeur. To get back at him indeed! Still, the greater part of him felt glad that he had shown it, because now she was holding him. What did it matter that it was improper? She wasn't doing it against her will, and there was no one else around to complain. He remained in the same position. Let her tell him when she wanted him to get up; until then he would enjoy it. Even if he did have failed in saving her.

As his breathing returned to normal, Hermione became fully aware of how inappropriate she was being. She got up so suddenly he nearly fell.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done this."

"No, I should be apologizing," he said, getting up quickly. Too quickly, in fact, since he was immediately taken by a strong dizzy spell and fell back on the sofa, closing his eyes to prevent the room from swirling around him. Hermione took his pulse, frightened.

"When was the last time you ate?"

He tried to think, but it was clouded. "I... don't remember." 

As he opened his eyes, her concerned face came into view. "Stay right there. Don't move."

He let out a short laugh. "Don't worry, I'm not going anywhere."

---

Hermione gathered her courage and left his quarters. She had never done so alone, but he was weak and she wanted to help. Since she had no way of knowing for how long they had found themselves in their current predicament, she couldn't tell when their last hot meal had been. She had been getting along fine on fruit, milk, ham, cheese and other cold food, but he hadn't been eating even that. He needed a proper meal.

The minute she left his quarters, however, the familiar terror began to assault her. She was going to die. She was going to suffer and then she was going to die. It had probably been her fault Harry and Ron had died. Voldemort had probably forgotten all about Harry until Harry came to Hogwarts and began hanging out with a mudblood. And Ron! Ron, who had been of a proper wizarding family, whose only fault had been choosing a mudblood girlfriend. And one who didn't love him properly at that, she had never truly loved him as more then a friend, but still she had dated him. She had been his girlfriend to the day he had died. He had died because of her.

She broke into a full run, eyes closed shut until she reached the kitchen. She didn't know how to cook anything fancy, but she could still fry a steak and an egg. And perhaps roast some potatoes.

The potatoes and the steak she managed just fine, but the egg got burnt beyond recognition. In fact, it nearly exploded. Hermione was overwhelmed by a sense of failure. She couldn't do anything right, she only ruined things. She would most likely manage to get Severus killed as well, sooner or later. She was nothing, and was good for nothing. She dropped the frying pan on the floor, grateful that at least the steak was already inside the Tupperware box she had summoned. Almost blinded by tears, she put the potatoes in the box as well and lidded it, casting a simple temperature-maintaining charm on it and trying very hard to ignore the voices that mocked her. The voices that were all her own.

As she ran back to his quarters she dropped the box twice, thanking the Gods above for plastic and hermetic lids. Instead of walking into the living room she burst into it at breakneck speed, waking Severus who had meanwhile dozed off. He could tell immediately that something was wrong.

"Hermione!" He got up and went to her. "Hermione what is it? What's wrong?"

She shoved the box into his hand.

"I... I burnt it. I burnt the egg. I'm sorry, I can't do anything right. I tried, but I just can't."

Severus stared at the box in his hand, unable to comprehend.

"The egg? What egg? What is this?"

In the safety of his quarters she began to calm herself down, into a slightly more coherent speech.

"I tried to cook you dinner. You're weak, you have to eat something decent. But I burnt the egg."

It was Severus' turn to pull her into a comforting embrace. He could barely believe that she had ventured out alone to cook food for him.

"You cooked dinner? For me? Oh, Hermione, thank you!"

"But I burnt the egg... there was an egg and I burnt it..."

"Shhh. I'm sure the food's wonderful, I don't care about the egg. Hermione, look at me." He tipped her chin up ever so slightly, smiling softly. "I don't even like eggs."

They couldn't tell who moved first, only that, without notice, they were locked in a kiss. Severus' hand found itself tangled within her hair, holding her as close as was humanly possible. She tasted of apples and cinnamon, sweet as spring. Hermione, for her part, was melting into his kiss, thinking dumbly how it had never been like that with Ron. How this man now kissing her felt as right as anyone possibly could. Then she wondered if he was only kissing her out of pity, to make her feel better, and she broke away, ashamed. Severus was the first to react.

"Forgive me, I had no right." Stupid, how could he have been so stupid? It did not matter that he was, in fact, the only man in the world, it should have been obvious she still wouldn't want him. He felt embarrassed beyond words.

"You don't have to pity me."

"You're seventeen, I should have never... what??"

"I said, you don't have to do that because you're sorry for the little egg-burning mudblood."

She spat the word mudblood with so much venom it shocked him. He remembered the loathing he had felt at his failure earlier, how he had hated himself far more than with anything else he had ever done - and that was saying quite a lot -, and wondered if there wasn't any lingering dark spell in the castle causing such an effect. He decided to analyze that information later. Now he had to focus on her.

"Hermione, don't say that. That is a word that should never have even been invented. Do not use it in reference to yourself ever again. You may be muggleborn but you are most definitely _not_ a mudblood. Do I make myself clear?"

"It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if you think of me as muggleborn or as a mudblood, I still don't want you kissing me out of pity!"

Very gently he took her hand and led her to the bathroom, to stand in front of the mirror.

"Hermione, look. Look at yourself and look at me." He studied his reflection for a brief second before looking away in shame. He looked far worse than he ever remembered looking, and he had had the audacity to kiss her. "You're young, you're beautiful, and I'm nothing more than an ugly old fool, I am perfectly aware of that. Who do you honestly think would be doing who a favour by kissing? Do you really believe it would be _me_ kissing _you_ out of pity? You're beautiful, Hermione, any man would be honoured to kiss you."

She turned to look at him, surprise clearly evident in her eyes. "You... _wanted_ to kiss me?"

"Very much. And I would be grateful if you could forgive me for it." He closed his eyes, as if awaiting judgement, still half-afraid she would hate him. He wouldn't stand to be alone there. Her next words surprised him.

"And... was I ok?"

"What?!?" He opened his eyes in amazement.

"The kiss. Was it alright?"

It hurt him physically to see her so insecure. "Hermione, it was far more than 'alright'. I'll remember it always."

"Would you like to... kiss me again?"

He lowered his voice to a whisper, afraid it would crack. "Very much."

In that precise instant, Hermione made the conscious decision to stop thinking and plunged into his open arms, kissing him deeply. He wanted to kiss her, it hadn't been pity. And it felt so very right. The only part of her mind that was still working was marvelling at how a man she had once thought so cold could show such passion; how one she had thought so rude and inconsiderate be so tender. His tongue was playing with hers, not overly eager and insistent as Ron's had been, but almost tentative at times. As if he didn't know how far he could go and didn't want to push her. Mindful of her. And, if her life hadn't taken on this devastating turn, she would never have known this. She would have gone on admiring his intellect, respecting his strength of will and his commitment to the cause but never know he was so much more than a decent man with a rough exterior. Never have realised he was a man at all. A man who, she now noticed, was trembling in her arms.

When she had thrown herself into his arms, Severus felt as he never had before. He felt complete. After everything he had done in his life, every revolting thing, she was kissing him. Nothing else really mattered, his previous sensation of failure ignored and discarded like a used parchment. She was everything and anything he could think of, filling his senses with sweetness and innocence. And completion. It had been so long since a woman had willingly kissed him that he couldn't even remember it. And he was sure he had never felt this way in returned. He had spent so much time of his life shying away from any kind of romantic involvement, ashamed at what he had to do in his Death Eater role... He shivered even as he kissed her, as he realised for the first time that, being muggleborn, she might have come to be one of the unfortunate women at the revels. One he might have had to rape and torture himself. Not anymore. Never again. He would make sure she would be safe from the likes of Lucius Malfoy if it meant his life. _'Harry followed you to a gathering last year. Said you were the only one there with a soul.'_ She knew, then, she knew he was a rapist and a murderer and she was still kissing him. He held her as if she might break. As it turned out, it was he who nearly broke when another dizzy spell came over him, reminding him vividly of the uneaten dinner she had cooked. He clutched the edge of the sink not to fall.

"Severus! Oh, Severus, I'm sorry, you should have eaten long ago!"

He caressed her cheek with a smile. "I, for one, am most certainly _not_ sorry. I wouldn't mind going on without food for several days, actually. Just you."

She felt something warm taking hold of her. He wanted her. Now it was she who took him by the hand. Putting the table on its rightful place with a flick of her wand, she made him sit on a chair and placed the box before him.

"Open. Eat. I mean, if it's edible."

He conjured a plate and tasted a bite of the steak that, thanks to the temperature-maintaining charm, was still at the exact same temperature than when it had left the frying pan. In any other occasion it would have been a regular steak. Given his current condition it felt like the best thing he had eaten in years.

"It's delicious! Truly, Hermione, it's wonderful."

"There was an egg, but I bur-"

"Shhh! Enough about eggs! Now sit, eat with me."

She refused. Seeing him eat was, in fact, making her very aware of how hungry she was but, despite being big, the steak was meant only for one. In her hurry to be in and out of the kitchen as quickly as possible she had neglected to cook one for herself.

"I'm not hungry."

"I'm not taking no for an answer."

She opened her eyes as wide as she could as a means to emphasize her point, resisting the urge to stomp her foot. "I cooked it for _you_."

He pulled her closer. "And you have no idea how that makes me feel. But I want to share it with you, or I won't feel good. Here." he said, conjuring a second plate and silverware, and then two bananas and a few slices of cheese, which he proceeded to cut to both plates. He then divided the potatoes and the steak equally and, by the time he was done, the food seemed just right for two. "Now you can eat with me."

Hermione sat down next to him, smiling gratefully. How could she ever have thought him cruel? The thoughtfulness he had shown her, the tenderness... It was only then that she realised she was still in her nightgown and she blushed self-consciously, but he seemed to take no notice.

Severus, for his part, was at a bind. What should he do now, how should he react to her? Should he try to revert to the companionship they had shared, or was she comfortable seeing him as a man? And could he even trust his own judgement? The Hermione Granger he had known and taught for nearly seven years was bossy, self-assured, suffering, if anything, from excess confidence, not lack thereof. The Hermione Granger who had been sleeping in his bedroom ever since the massacre, however, was insecure, afraid. She was clearly not herself. Hell, he was clearly not himself, for that matter. When his spell hadn't worked he had felt like nothing, less than nothing. The feelings of frustration following a failed research he was familiar with, but that absolute despair... and the fact that he hadn't been able to recognise a simple nightmare... no, something very dark was definitely at work here and, whatever it was, it was affecting them both. Trying to ignore it, taking advantage of it to feel cared for was cheap. Not to mention it was a Very Bad Idea. Against his will his mind wandered back to their kiss. She had asked him before if it had been alright... had his own contribution been acceptable, he wondered. Her laughter shook him out of his reverie.

"Severus, are you going to eat that piece of steak or propose to it? You've been staring at it for ages!"

He laughed with her, shaking some of the tension off, but then grew serious again.

"Hermione, have you noticed something odd?"

"You're joking, right? What isn't?"

"No, that's not what I mean. Think about what you felt because of a stupid egg. Try to give it a rational analysis. Is that how you would have normally reacted?"

She frowned, considering his words. "No, not at all. I would have been bummed, but I wouldn't have felt such a waste. It's as if every bad feeling is being enhanced a thousand times. And even before that, before the egg. Now that I think about it, I know it seems perfectly ridiculous, but I actually thought Harry and Ron had been killed because of me. Because they associated with a mudblood."

"Just as I believed it had been to get back at me that all these people had been killed. There is something trying very hard to draw what's worse in us. And today it succeeded, if only briefly, with the both of us."

"I can see what you mean. We'll have to test the castle for dark magic, but it would be best if we did it in the morning. Besides, now that we know what it's trying to do, we'll be better equipped to fight it."

"Yes, you're right. And there is something else that doesn't add up."

"What?"

"Remember me telling you what I've been?" She nodded, understanding his meaning and not wanting to force him to say the words, and he proceeded. "Well, there is one thing I can tell you about Death Eaters: they can enjoy whatever sick, twisted pleasure they get out of torture but, on a massacre of this scale, it doesn't make sense that everyone was either beaten or stabbed to death. They would have used a series of _Avada Kedavra_s and get it done. And Potter wouldn't have been killed, he would have been brought to Voldemort alive. And, in the highly unlikely event that they had killed him accidentally, at the very least they would have taken his body. It doesn't make sense, any of it."

"I see your point. Add to that the house-elves, the animals, the portraits, the ghosts..."

"... and you have a very confused picture, of which both of us seem to be part of. Oh, and let's not forget that we can't remember a thing. That time did not seem to pass between the end of your class and the retreat of the killing forces."

"And another thing as well. They killed Harry, and they killed the Headmaster. If they were able to do that, then why were we spared? Someone with the power to do that would have no problem killing us. Well, at least me, that is."

"Well, thank you for your consideration, but you were right the first time. They would have had no trouble killing me as well. Which can only mean one of two things. Either we hid very cleverly, which is highly unlikely, especially in your case - you would have ran like a true and foolish Gryffindor straight into the heat of battle, welcoming Death with open arms if only to attempt to help your friends -, or we were _meant to_ live. Which leads me to my final conclusion: we are either being watched and analysed, or simply punished."

Hermione shivered violently. The thought of someone - or some_thing_ - watching her, intruding on the ever so fragile peace they had managed to build, was too much to bear. Severus noticed and cursed mentally. He had been too blunt, now she would panic and that wouldn't do. They needed to both be lucid if they were going to find their way away from that never-ending nightmare. He adopted a casual tone.

"Well we'll delve further into this in the morning. For now I think it's high time we both got some sleep."

She was just at the door when his voice arrested her.

"Hermione?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you. For the dinner, that is. It was... very thoughtful of you."

She smiled slightly. "Don't mention it."

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**Author's Note: **Ok, this is sort of a halfway solution. I had promised a chapter on Thursday if I got enough reviews, which I didn't, but then I felt bad not giving anything to the people who did review, so I decided to post this chapter earlier. ;) Please review, let me know what you think of my story. Even if it's something negative - as long as it isn't a flame, I honestly see no point in flames - say it anyway, it will help me make this a better story. And, to Ms Padfoot: thank you, thank you, thank you for reviewing every single chapter, it makes me very happy.

Now a question; I have been brainstorming for a future fic and it got me thinking. Hagrid and Voldemort went to school together, so they must be the same age, but I'm not clear on what that age is. Is it chronologically possible that Severus could be Voldemort's son? Please help me out here.


	5. Decisions

**Hidden Within**

**Chapter Four - Choices**

Hermione closed the bedroom door behind her and slid slowly to the floor. Something was affecting the way they were acting. Which was the reason for him to have kissed her. He would never have done it otherwise. Her disappointment was too deep to describe. Then she thought of herself. Would _she_ have kissed _him_? All in all... yes, she would have. She might have once thought she wouldn't want Severus Snape if he were the last man alive, but time had proven her literally wrong. And, even if they _were _rescued, she would still want him. Even if there were other men to chose from. As far as they could tell, their behavioural pattern was being altered to worse, not better, so all the kind things she had seen from him were probably a part of him, albeit a hidden one. He was a man she could easily want. Correction, he was a man she already wanted.

Although... if it only changed them for the worse, how could it have led him to kiss her? What if he were sitting, just a doorway away, thinking of her what she was thinking of him? Thinking it had been whatever was affecting them, instead of her true self, to kiss him? She gathered her courage. Hell, she was a Gryffindor after all, she was supposed to be brave. She would simply go back in there and ask. Before her resolve could wan she got up and knocked, for the sake of his privacy.

"Severus? Are you awake?"

"Yes, come in." He took in her worried expression almost instantly. "Is something wrong?"

"I was... thinking. Remember what you said about rational analysis? Well, if you could analyze everything else, please analyze this and give me an honest answer. If whatever is affecting us wasn't, would you have kissed me?"

He didn't even blink. "No. No, I wouldn't have."

Hermione felt a knot constricting her throat. Too afraid at what her voice might sound like if she spoke, she simply turned and entered the bedroom. She had barely made it to the bed when Severus opened the door, for once not bothering to knock. He crouched in front of her, holding her hands in his and never taking his eyes off of hers.

"Hermione, I meant it the way I said it, not the way you understood it. Under different circumstances I would not have kissed you, not because I wouldn't want to, but because I would have never lost control. The will to do it would still have been there, it would just have been quashed."

All the frustrations and fears of the day came suddenly crashing down on her, finding release in her tears.

"Thank you. Thank you so much, Severus. Thank you so much."

He sat next to her, bringing her once again into his arms, marvelling at having had the opportunity to hold and be held by her thrice in the same day.

"Don't cry. I swear I'll do whatever it takes to get us out of here, sweetheart, don't cry." Even as he spoke he turned white. _Sweetheart_?!? How could he have let _that_ slip? When he saw the look on her face, however, he was glad he had. There was a luminous smile breaking through her tears, making him feel rewarded as little could have. And, deep inside him, he knew it had been true; she _was_ his sweetheart, the only thing that made his continued existence bearable. Suddenly there was something he had to know, had to let the decision be hers as well.

"Hermione?"

"Yes?"

"How would you... like to go on from now on? Were you only trying to see if I found you desirable? Or-"

"I don't want to impose."

"You won't. Now, please, I'm asking how _you _feel."

"I wish we could be... together. When we kissed it felt... right. But, most of all, I don't want to lose what we already have."

He closed his eyes and held her closer, stronger. This was the point where he, in any other circumstances, would make his speech about how she would be better off with someone else, but there was no someone else. And, given the situation, she might just be better with him than alone. Or it could simply be wishful thinking, but he wasn't going to dwell on that.

"I don't want to lose that either. But I think we wouldn't, even if we tried to make this... thing work." The note of hope that had insinuated itself into his voice refused to be shaken off. "So... what do you say?"

As the silence stretched on he began to feel he had pushed to far. He was already beginning to backtrack when she spoke.

"I say we try. I say that, if we agree not to lose what we already have, then there's nothing else we can lose."

He said nothing, merely kissing her as way of answering. He had been given a chance he thought he would never have, and he planned on making the most of it. Finally, after some time had passed, he realised how tired she was. It had been many hours since she had meant to go to bed and, from then on, it had been a jumble of emotions, from her adventure in the kitchen until her current situation, she was bound to be exhausted. He got up.

"You should go to sleep now. You need to rest at least twice as much as I needed to eat."

"Ok. But, Severus?"

"Yes?"

She twisted her fingers in her hands, which he had already been trained to recognise as a sign of her being nervous.

"I..." She exhaled softly. I'm not sure if you know, but Ron and I are... Ron and I were dating."

"Hermione, I wouldn't pretend to try to replace Ron, I-"

"No. That's what I wanted to tell you. Ron was my best friend and I would have done anything for him, but I loved him as a friend. As someone to have a relationship with, I didn't like him half as much as it should have been acceptable. And I didn't like him half as much as I like you. Although, from my math, that would mean I liked you just enough for it to be acceptable and that isn't true, I like you much more."

Severus was dumbstruck. He opened his mouth to say something, but no sound came out. He wouldn't know what to say if it had. A detached part of his brain noticed his hand was trembling as it came to rest on the back of her head, pulling her to his chest. Long moments passed before he finally found his voice, although it was little more than a whisper.

"You have absolutely no idea of what you've just given me. All I can offer in return is to say I'd never felt what you made me feel today. What you're still making me feel." _What was enhanced a thousand fold by what you've just told me_, he left unsaid. Kissing her gently on the forehead, Severus made to leave, only to be stopped yet again by her.

"Severus?" Once more she sounded tense.

"Yes?"

"There are... certain things I'm not yet ready to give. Things I don't know when I'll be ready to. But... if you could just sleep here, with me, tonight?"

She had phrased it as a question, and he could tell she was questioning the wisdom of her request. He crouched back in front of her, taken by an overwhelming desire to protect her.

"I would be honoured to. And I can promise you I'll never ask more of you than what you're ready and willing to give."

---

Sleeping with her ended up revealing itself a trying experience. She had fallen asleep almost immediately but Severus, despite his own exhaustion or perhaps because of it, had remained awake for a long time after that, contemplating what he had been given with her safely ensconced in his arms. He had thought at first that she was kissing him out of loneliness; then he had thought she had agreed to see where their newfound relationship would lead them because there was no one else for her to choose from. He had been comfortable with those assumptions, they had been safe assumptions, but now... now he could find no words to describe the unfamiliar feeling inside his chest. Something between joy and terror, but that didn't quite cover it. The only thing he knew for certain was that he had never felt it before. Hermione stirred and Severus tightened his arms around her in an unconsciously possessive display, placing a soft kiss on her hair. She wanted him. She wanted _him_. He had done nothing in his life to even remotely deserve her, but she wanted _him_. And had as good as told him she would still want him if there were other survivors outside. Hermione. His Hermione.

She stirred again, making him painfully aware of her every curve. And, between his legs, the painful part was meant quite literally. Strangely enough, the thought of taking her to bed hadn't even crossed his mind until she had spoken, but now it refused to leave it. Her words hinted that there might be a time when she would want him in the full sense of the word, and that was a mixed blessing. He could hardly recall the last time he had had a willing woman, it had been quite a few years. It was a moment he would both be dreading and looking forward to. He could only hope that, if she decided to do it, he would live up to it.

---

The next few days were divided between extensive searches throughout the castle and massive research on diagnose spells for dark magic. When after what had probably been a fortnight had passed and they were still empty-handed, Hermione suggested they broadened the scope of their search to include other behavioural-altering spells, instead of just dark ones but, every time, they had come up with nothing. It was as if, apart from the anti-apparation barrier, which was still there - it had been one of the very first things they had checked -, there was no more magic in Hogwarts. Now that they ventured outside more often, they were discovering the staircases had stopped moving altogether. They began eating proper food frequently, after having realised that whatever was trying to affect them had considerably less power when they were together. They took turns cooking but were never alone in the kitchen, grateful that at least their food supply seemed to be constantly renewing itself. Nights were spent in comfortable closeness, sometimes trying to get to know a little more about each other. They never slept apart after that first night, and the living room eventually became less crowded when a big bed was changed back into a sofa, and a sofa became a chair once more.

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**Author's Note: **Yes, I know this is a short chapter, and I swear I had some more already written, but this is simply the right place to stop. My husband is usually the one to post my chapters for me at his job, and he reads me the reviews over the phone but last Saturday I managed to post and read myself and I realised I'd done a great injustice to AnnabelleElizabeth when I only thanked Ms. Padfoot for reviewing every chapter. I'm very, very, very sorry I didn't thank you as well, it's just that I had to actually see the reviews onscreen to realise you too had reviewed every chapter. I hope you don't get mad at me. :/

To SemiCharmed: please don't leave me hanging! You mentioned spelling and grammar mistakes, I'm not a native speaker, please point them out to me so I can correct them. To every one else who left me a review, thank you very much! I was startled to see the number of reviews double from one chapter to another, thank you! (Now you can all make me even happier and drop some more reviews, what do you say?)


	6. Preparations

**Hidden Within**

**Chapter Five – Preparations**

Hermione was torn between what she thought she should do and what she wanted to. She had completely lost track of time but, surely, it couldn't have been more than a couple of months since they had started this new type of relationship. Her mind had some trouble classifying it and, especially, classifying _him_, since 'Severus Snape' and 'boyfriend' simply didn't sound right in the same sentence. Still, even if it had been only two months, no one could accuse them of having been an ordinary two months; the complexity of their situation ensured that. And being in one another's presence for twenty-four hours a day was bound to give them a great deal more insight into each other than if they had simply been "dating" - another word that sounded peculiar when associated with him. All in all, Hermione was having trouble explaining to herself why it was that she believed she loved him. And, most importantly, was trying to decide whether or not to tell him. She knew she wanted him to know, but she was somewhat afraid of scaring him away. He had been nothing but tender and respectful of her, and as sweet as anyone could possibly expect Severus Snape to be. She found she liked him not to be sickly-sweet, as it was common with boys her age. It made every sweet word he uttered that more meaningful. She knew he liked her - he'd said that much - but how would he react to knowing she loved him? And they had been sleeping in the same bed for all that time, and he had never tried to... could it be that he didn't find her desirable, or was he stoically living up to his word? In the end, she decided it didn't matter. She could hardly scare him too far away, given their predicament, and it was possible he would like to hear it. Then there was the other issue. It had been she who had spoken about not being ready but now, after sharing a bed for so long, she didn't think she could be much readier. She simply wanted him, and felt frustrated beyond words that he seemed oblivious to her advances during the nights she pressed closer. Embarrassing as it might seem, it was beginning to be obvious that she would have to say it aloud if she wanted him to do something. Deciding that tonight would be as good a night as any other, she asked him to accompany her to the library, then to the kitchen for her to cook dinner. It had been his turn to cook, and he cooked infinitely better than herself but, if he found her request odd, he didn't say so. He did say it, though, when she asked him to look the other way as she cooked.

"Turn around? Are you perhaps afraid I might ruin the food by glaring at it?"

She laughed. "I wouldn't put it past you! Now, please, just humour me."

He muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'women' but complied. She was then able to place the cooking book she had fetched from the library on the table and began cooking, praying to the powers that be that it turned out alright. Let it never be said that Hermione Granger wasn't capable of properly executing something that was accurately described in a book.

Severus was finding all of this extremely odd, from her not having shown him the book she had wanted to get to her sudden desire to make dinner, especially since they had only just had tea. He suspected, however, that whatever her intentions were, he would know them before the night was over. She had operated a deeper change in him that he would ever be willing to admit, and that was saying something. For a man who missed his brewing desesperately - unlike their food, his ingredients' stock showed no sign of replacing itself, and he had reasonably decided that he would preserve them for such a time when they were truly needed - and was often cranky because of it, she always managed to make him feel almost happy. She always put up with him with a smile. It made him wonder what, throughout all the evil he had done in his life, he had done of so good that would grant him her. Someone who could make him forget all that was wrong in the world with a simple kiss. Someone who was actually _willing_ to kiss him, for starters. There was so much he wished he could give her, and so little he actually could... Before he knew it, she was done, whatever it was she had cooked safely hidden in two large Tupperware boxes. The smug look on her face told him she had probably managed to do what she had set out to, especially since it remained plastered there until well after they had reached his quarters.

"Why don't you take a bath, Severus? I want to take one too before dinner, but I know I'll take longer than you, so..."

A bath? He had taken one just that morning, as she well knew, and as had she. What was she up to?

His expression made her want to laugh. He was trying to figure her out.

"Oh, and, while you're at it, why don't you dress something different? Just because we're trapped here, it doesn't mean we have to like it."

Ever since they had accessed that they wouldn't be leaving anytime soon, well before they had embarked on this relationship, he had abandoned his usual teaching robes in favour of plain black trousers and a black long-sleeved shirt. It was neither fancy nor intimidating, but rather practical. Tonight she wanted him to look special, but wanted him to decide what 'looking special' meant.

"'Something different'? I will figure out what it is you're up to, yet," he said as he left for the bathroom.

After having rummaged through his wardrobe, trying to determine what she had wanted with 'different', he settled for his dress robes, which were, unsurprisingly, black, showing just a glimpse of the white shirt he wore underneath at the neck. All things considered, not too different from his teaching robes, only more elegant. He gave himself an overall look on the mirror and despaired at his hair. He had just washed it - again - and still it hung, lank and lifeless as it always had been. It was longer than it once had been - he hadn't bothered to have it cut since the massacre -, falling just past his shoulders and, as an afterthought, Severus produced a black velvet ribbon and tied it, feeling considerably more pleased at the result. Whatever Hermione was up to, it had better be good.

While he had been locked in the bedroom, Hermione wasted no time. She set the table with a flick of her wand and summoned a bottle of the Headmaster's finest red wine, thankful for the old wizard's endless cellar. She felt a pang in her heart, reminding her painfully of how she missed everyone she had lost. At the same time, however, she felt absolutely sure that, after everything that had happened, the Headmaster would approve. He would have been happy that Severus wasn't alone in the world, that he had someone to love him. She lit the fireplace and transfigured two quills into candles that she then lit as well. Everything had to be perfect.

Severus chose that time to announce he was ready, and he was amazed to see Hermione dart past him, in an obvious attempt not to look, and lock herself up in the bathroom with a shouted "Make yourself comfortable, I'll be right out." Resigned to his inability to understand the workings of the female mind, Severus went to the living room, where he was once again surprised. All the setting she had created made shivers run down his spine. The table was set, the fireplace was cracking invitingly, and the two lit candles lent the room a deliciously intimate atmosphere. He wondered if she was aware of how much she meant to him. Since he wasn't likely to get an answer to a question he hadn't asked aloud, he settled on the sofa after having poured himself a glass of wine. He had the feeling she would be well worth the wait.

Hermione had always been a practical girl. She usually didn't take long getting dressed, and she wasn't one to fuss over jewellery or make-up. Which was why she managed to surprise even herself when, after having tried on each and every one of her clothes that they had brought down from Gryffindor Tower, she could settle for none. She resorted to transfiguration, grateful for the skills Professor McGonagall had taught her, and for the new ones imparted by Severus, but still she was dissatisfied. For her to be able to transfigure something, she had to have a precise idea of the result she wanted, and that was proving to be the main problem. Finally, she sat down with a quill and some parchment and made some sketches of possible outfits. When, at last, she found The One, she combed her hair into an elaborate knot that allowed a few curls to come cascading down her neck. Yes, this was more like it. She only wished she had a necklace to go along. She had never wanted any kind of jewellery more than a new book, and so she didn't have any - she had been fortunately surrounded by people who chose to give her what she waned instead of what they thought she should have. Suddenly, tears welled up in her eyes. Would they ever manage to leave Hogwarts? Were her parents alright, would she ever see them again? She firmly shut the door on that particular train of thought. Tonight was to be a joyous night. At least she hoped so. Of course, if Severus ran from her after hearing her confess her love... No! Damn the blasted, elusive, interfering little thing that was, for lack of a better word, haunting them! She would not fear this, she would not waver. He was damn well worth the risk. Practicality, Hermione, my girl, practicality. Hence, jewellery. Not the world's most logical deduction, but suited for the occasion. She thought for a moment. Transfiguration never worked right on jewellery when it came to her; ironic as, in a field where she excelled, everything she tried to turn into fashion accessories had a fake touch to it. She decided to forget about the necklace and put on her perfume, glancing at the mirror. The dress she was wearing was fully muggle, a beige, low-cut dress that revealed her shoulders and collar bones completely but only a minute amount of cleavage. It had long, loose sleeves that only began below her shoulders, and it hugged her form until it reached her waist, where it then loosened gradually, ending at her feet. Even the slightly heeled shoes she was wearing were only visible when she walked. She only wished her neck wasn't so naked... she had just given up when she had a sudden inspiration. In a flash she transfigured a clean sock into to produce a satin ribbon to match the colour of her dress and placed it around her neck. She was finally pleased with the end result. She placed just a touch of a brownish crimson lipstick, grateful that transfigured items did not retransfigure themselves at midnight - especially considering she had no idea when midnight actually was -, and left, a knot firmly placed in her stomach.

---

Had Severus known that, in female language, "I'll be right out" was a synonym to "Please try not to die of old age while you wait for me", he might have had different thoughts about her being worth the wait. Since he didn't, however, he had only just begun reconsidering when she walked in and, after that, all semblance of rationality abandoned him. He had told her she was beautiful before but, in all honesty, it wasn't an above-average beauty; her other qualities had been far more appealing to him, her intelligence, her wit, her loyalty, her courage, her sense of humour, her honesty... Tonight, however, she was much, much more than beautiful: she was wonderful, she was exquisite. He would never again see her as 'of average beauty'. He became suddenly aware he had been staring, mouth wide open, for more than a full minute. He shut it promptly and rose from the sofa, taking her hand.

"Hermione, you look... beautiful." _Nice one Severus! You've been alive for thirty-eight years, women have mocked and scorned you for twenty-two of those years and, when one is foolish enough to go to all these lengths to please you, all you can say is 'You look beautiful'? Why, oh, why didn't you just die first?_

Seemingly oblivious to his lack of eloquence Hermione smiled, an open, warm smile. "Well, you don't look so bad yourself." Arms encircling his neck, mouth kissing him deeply. Severus shuddered imperceptibly when he felt her that close. He drew back hastily, hoping she hadn't felt his obvious arousal. "Shall we eat? I must confess, my curiosity has been eating away at me as to what it is you cooked."

She nodded, a bit disappointed. Could it be that she provoked no physical reaction whatsoever in him? She wished not.

She turned out to have cooked two simple but delicious steak _au café_. Severus could now confirm that, once guided by a book, there was nothing Hermione couldn't execute perfectly. 

Despite the quality of the food, dinner turned to be a tense affair. Hermione was trying to muster up the courage to tell him what she felt - she still hadn't decided whether to start with 'I love you' or 'Do you want to make love to me?' - and Severus was picking up on her nervousness and feeling even more nervous himself for not knowing what was causing it. She obviously had something to say, but what could it be? He calmed himself down with the thought that, if she had wanted him out of her life, she wouldn't have gone to all that trouble so, whatever it was, it couldn't be bad.

The food was eaten and Hermione sent the dishes to the kitchen with a flick of her wand. It was getting harder to delay the moment.

"Severus..." This was it.

------------------

**Author's Note: **Ok, I got my husband to bring me a floppy with my reviews instead of just reading them to me, so this time I'm able to do shout-outs. Here it goes:

AnnabelleElizabeth: Thank you very much for yet another lovely review and for your comment on my English. :)) Well, I can't really tell you if you're right or wrong, it would sort of ruin it, but I can tell you you will be finding out in either one or two chapters' time, I hope that's the next best thing.

Serendipity: Thank you for reviewing, I'm very glad you're enjoying my story. As for "All That Glitters" yes, I had a great deal more planned for that story, but it seems it's getting harder to write it with each chapter. I do intend to finish it, though, and have one of the few last chapters already written, it's the middle that's giving me writer's block.

Kelly Aya Bray: Here you go – MORE! Thank you for reviewing, both times. :)

StarGazr: Wow! I'm flattered by your comments. By the way, your pen name wouldn't happen to come from Werewolf: the Apocalypse, would it? Because, if it does, I'm a Children of Gaia.

Alissa: Thank you for your reviews, all three of them. As for Hermione's hesitation, I'm glad you like it. She is, of course, planning to throw herself at him, as you have no doubt noticed in this chapter, but she is still insecure, and not all of it is because of the behaviour-altering thingy.

boringname: Thank you. I get a silly smile on my face every time that someone compliments me on my English. I'm actually Portuguese, born and bred. I'm very glad you're enjoying the story. As for you posting on FFnet, the first thing you have to do is to get yourself registered. If you notice, on FFnet's top menu, the last option is Register. They will ask you for an e-mail address, a pen name and a password. Then, when you're logged in (the Log In button is just left of Register) you need to go to Document Manager on the left menu and upload your chapters. This step is done _before_ you actually create the story, and don't worry too much about what label you put on it, it's for your eyes only and won't affect your chapter titles; I usually just put a number. My advice is for you to create your documents in html format rather than in .txt or .doc, that way your bolds and italics won't get lost in the conversion. MS Word does that, if you have no web-related program, as does almost any other text editor. After that you go to Story/Chapter Management, also on the left menu, you follow the steps they prompt you to and that's that. I hope it helped. Difficulties in the bedroom and not in the way I am thinking, huh? Well, _that's certainly got me thinking!_

LonelySlytherin: Wow. Wow again. Thank you so much for your words, my ego's growing by the second. ;) As for the time it took me to come up with the mix between joy and terror, it didn't take long, actually. I just started thinking about love and came to the conclusion that when you're truly in love, especially in the early stages, fear is bound to be a main component of your feelings. Joy is, I believe, self-explanatory. :D

Katarina: Thanks for reviewing, and I hope this is soon enough for you.

Nicolette: Author Alert? Double Wow! Thank you! :)

Samson: I'm very glad you liked it, and thanks for leaving me a review.

moonglow11066: The fact that you haven't reviewed before is largely compensated by your having reviewed now. Thank you very much. By the way, a silly grin came to my face when I read you found my story fascinating – wow!

Shelob: Thank you very much for your help with my question, that story is cooking up but it will still take a while. And thank you for reviewing, I'm glad you liked it.

StellarSnape: Ok, no silly grin this time, just my mouth hanging stupidly open while I read your comments. "amazing", "spectacular", "wonderful work", "very talented"... if you keep dropping reviews like that my ego won't allow me to walk in narrow spaces anymore.(Not that I'm complaining, mind you.) Thank you! And don't die just yet, you'll know what is going on in two chapters tops.

Also a big thank you to all the people who helped me earlier with my question on Severus' possible parentage – Ms. Padfoot, Eternal Queen, AnnabelleElizabeth, SemiCharmed, RoseFyre and Myranya. Just spank me if I forgot to mention your name, alright?

Er... would I be repeating myself if I asked everyone to please review?****


	7. Confusion

**Hidden Within**

**Chapter Six - Confusion**

"Severus..." This was it. "Do you want to go and sit on the sofa?" Then again, maybe not.

"Yes." _Way to go, Severus, you're getting more eloquent by the second._ What was it about her that could so easily turn him into an inarticulate fool?

He sat down next to her, racking his brain for something to say. It was hard to find a non-academic topic of conversation given how they spent every moment of the day together. Unless he suddenly began asking her questions about her parents and childhood, which he most definitely did not want to; that would open up a pathway that he didn't want to follow, for he was utterly unprepared to answer questions of that nature himself. His train of thought was interrupted by her lips on his. Severus was beginning to feel deeply intoxicated by her smell, tonight combined with a tasteful perfume. Hermione shifted slightly, providing him with unprecedented access to her neck; both her hairdo and her dress were, in fact, doing a fine job in helping such access. Almost without thinking he trailed a path of kisses from her earlobe to her shoulder, tasting, feeling. With a skill he didn't know he had he removed her satin ribbon and then kissed the hollow of her throat, moving upwards, back to her lips. Hermione, meanwhile, had pulled his hair free of its constraints and was running her hands through it. His lips went back to her neck, cherishing it, and then ventured to her collar bones. As he made to move up again she directed almost imperceptibly down. He might have said something if his mind hadn't stopped functioning a while back. Before he knew it, his left hand was on her back, unzipping her dress, and his right one was helping his mouth in its exploration of her bare left breast. He could feel her nipple hardening beneath his tongue, sending shivers of pleasure down his spine. His mouth left her nipple only long enough to kiss each of her forearms and the inside of her wrists as he helped her out of her sleeves. The dress was fully unzipped now, half lying, nearly forgotten on her waist, and he proceeded to her other breast with delicately planted kisses in between, noticing absently how goose bumps were forming on her skin. His desire was so intense as to be painful, making him feel like he was made of liquid fire, burning almost too hot to bear. Her skin was perfect, an attractive tan that had only been made more beautiful by the colour of her dress; it was delicate, perfume, exquisite. He trailed some more kisses through the middle of her stomach, flat and beautiful, his hands still on her breasts, her nipples niched on his palms one second, being caressed by his thumbs the next.

"Oh, Severus..." 

Her moans by themselves could have brought him to the edge. Instead, they helped him snap out of his lust-induced trance and finally realise what was happening. He broke away even as his every nerve screamed in protest.

"Hermione." His face was flushed, his breathing ragged.

Hermione, for her part, could have cried out in agony. He had been making her feel a range of sensations the likes of which she had never experienced. If she had ever thought she had felt aroused before, she was discovering a whole new definition of the term. Everything had just been feeling so deliciously right, and then he had turned away and now her body felt cold everywhere he had touched it, yearning for the warmth of his hands and lips. What was wrong? Why didn't he want her? Surely she had made her wanting of him clear enough! He got up to a standing position and she put the dress back on, suddenly self-conscious. Severus was running his hands through his hair, eyes closed, exhaling deeply.

"Hermione, don't do this to me. I can only fight so much, please. Don't do this to me." His voice was thick and yet hoarse, hardly recognisable, and his body was quivering with ill-suppressed desire. Understanding for the first time why it was he backed off, Hermione felt a jolt of triumph. He wanted her. Fully. As a woman. She walked up to him, pulling his resisting hands from his head and capturing them in hers and said, in a voice that did nothing to hide her own arousal, "I don't want you to fight it."

His eyes snapped open, identical black coals burning with desire, beautifully reflecting the flames from the fireplace. He clutched her hands tighter."

"You... Hermione, are you trying to tell me what I believe you are? Am I misreading this in any way?"

She smiled once more, strangely rewarded that her once so surely professor now seemed so nervous. All for her.

"Yes and no. In that order."

He picked her up wordlessly and carried her into the bedroom, settling her on the bed with a lover's will. As he once again helped her out of her dress, Hermione felt grateful that she had left this fireplace lit as well. The room was warm and inviting, an unwitting accomplice in their lovemaking. She would tell him the rest afterwards. She wanted to have him first.

Severus had only just returned to kissing her, her hands wrestling with his dressing robes, when he decided he wasn't being honest with her. First she had to see _it_, to understand what he had been, and only then could she make this decision consciently. Of course, she might have caught a glimpse of _it_ in her fourth year, but it certainly hadn't been enough for her to see it properly. He sat on the bed, afraid.

"No." It was her turn to be afraid. 'No'? Why not, what now?

"There is something... you have to see first. You cannot decide to do this without seeing it." Her fear turned to worry for him. He had been utterly unable to keep the raw pain from bleeding into his voice. She sat up next to him and watched as his beautiful, slender hand uncuffed his left wrist and rolled the sleeve upward, exposing his forearm and... something else. The Dark Mark. Voldemort's mark. Her eyes searched his face, but his refused to meet them. She stared back at the mark, silent for a long time, looking for the right words to say. Finally it was he who spoke, for once showing his vulnerability with his every sentence.

"I will... understand completely if you change your mind. Whether just about tonight or as to what we have, you have every right. I should have shown it to you before, Hermione. This is... what I am. His mark of ownership upon me. It will never go away. I cannot erase it. And he killed all of those people, Hermione, people you called friends. And this proves I don't belong to myself. I am his, in much the same way as livestock. Nothing but cattle." He had been lowering his contempt-filled voice with every ashamed word, and now she could barely hear it. She wished she could ascribe his description of himself to the thing lurking in Hogwarts but she knew better. This self-loathing was all his own. And it would be her strenuous task to make it all go away. She clamped her hand on the black skull resolutely.

"You are _not_ cattle. You are _not_ his. And _that_ is _not _you. It changes nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing." She enfolded him within her arms, holding him as tight as she could. The searing pain in his chest began to ease a bit at her words, turning to a dull ache as she pulled him into her embrace. He had been so sure she'd reconsider, so sure that her hearing him say he'd been a Death Eater couldn't possibly carry the same weight as actually seeing the Dark Mark branded on his arm... hearing her words was like absolution. If this wonderful, immaculate creature could see it and forgive him... want him still... For the first time since Albus' death, and for a far different reason, he allowed himself to cry, this time releasing, cleansing tears of relief. He had shown her his ugliest and been accepted nevertheless. He pulled her mouth to his with trembling hands, crushing, demanding, trying to find a way to release himself from the constricting mixture of despair and relief, pain and joy. He whispered her name with a vengeance, punctuating it with kisses. "Hermione. My darling. My sweetheart. Hermione." And she knew. She knew she couldn't tell him later, she had to say it now. He needed to know now. She waited until his intensity decreased slightly, wanting him to be fully aware of her words.

"Severus. Now there is something _I_ need to tell you. I've been afraid to tell you, afraid I would scare you away." She was staring at her hands.

He kissed her again, gentler this time. In all honesty, short of telling me you were responsible for the massacre, I don't see what would possibly make me want to be away from you."

The sincerity in his voice lent her courage. I was going to tell you tonight, anyway, I was just trying to find the right way of saying it. In the end I guess there is no 'right way of saying it', and no wrong way. Just one way." She met his eyes. "I love you."

And she saw him close his eyes and show her the first luminous smile she had ever seen from him, opening his arms to her. And she opened hers in turn but, when she closed them, it was around nothing but air. And she found herself alone in the bedroom, too stunned as of the moment to truly feel the pain of her loss, burdened with the knowledge that she was not only alone in the bedroom, but alone in the whole of Hogwarts as well.

------------------

**Author's Note: **I'm terribly sorry it took me this long to update, my life has been chaos these past two weeks, and my weekends are growing even fuller than my weekdays. Not to mention my son decided to fall ill on the worst possible timing - nothing serious, though, and he's perfectly alright now. I'll do all the shout-outs next chapter, I promise, I just can't now or I won't get this updated. Please forgive me :/****


	8. Answers

**Hidden Within**

**Chapter Seven - Answers**

**Hidden Within**

**Chapter Seven - Answers**

"I was going to tell you tonight, anyway, I was just trying to find the right way of saying it. In the end I guess there is no 'right way of saying it', and no wrong way. Just one way." He searched her eyes for the revelation to come. "I love you," she said simply. And all the pain in his life seemed to melt away in one glorious second when he knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that the woman who had just confessed her love to him was one he loved as well. _The _one. Deeply. Totally. Without restraint. One glorious second when, for the first and only time in his life, Severus Snape was truly happy and fully at peace. Then he opened his eyes to tell her he loved her as well, and found himself looking into the face of a startled but alive Poppy Pomfrey.

---

"Severus! You're awake! Lie still, don't move," the mediwitch was saying in her usual no nonsense tone; someone who knew her, however, might have been able to tell from the slight inflection in her voice that she was glad and relieved to see him.

Severus' mind was running at light speed. Had he died? Surely he couldn't have, as there was no possible way he would have ended up in the same afterlife as Poppy - she was a mediwitch and he was a killer. Besides, this "afterlife" looked suspiciously like Hogwarts' infirmary. Was he hallucinating, then? He felt the cold hand of fear grip him: he had been with Hermione one moment and here the next. There had only been one other time in his life when he had had a similar experience with time, and that had been right before the massacre. What horrible things lay in store for him now? And what could it possibly mean that he was seeing Poppy alive?

The mediwitch, for her part, had been busying herself with her patient, giving him orders he obeyed without question. This was a new one. Never, in all the years that she had had the Potions Master in her ward, had he been so cooperative. He must still be in a state of shock. Finally satisfied that everything else seemed normal, she left, only to return a few minutes later accompanied by no other than Albus Dumbledore.

Albus. His friend, his mentor, his more-than-father. Alive. What was his mind playing at, he wondered. What was real and what was dream? The Headmaster approached him, a benign smile softening his century-old face. Century and a half, to be precise. And now, up-close, he looked every one of those years.

"Severus! You made it! I assume you went outside, then?"

Oh, joy! Now this hallucination of a Headmaster made no sense at all.

"'Outside'? What, pray tell, do you mean?" There was a venomous ring to his voice, an anger directed solely at this mockery of a man he had respected and loved. A man he had put to rest with his wand.

"I know this must all seem confusing, Severus, and Poppy will have my head before she lets me exert you with questions, but what is your last clear recollection?"

_Ha! You can go hang yourself before I tell you _that_. _"I was... speaking to Her... to Miss Granger."

"Yes, go on."

"And then you. And then I was here."

"Where were you before, weren't you here as well?"

"Well, yes, but you most definitely were not!" He was getting tired of this game.

"And where was I?"

"DEAD! You were all dead! And I saw each of your bodies with my own eyes. No one related it to me, I saw. So how can you possibly be talking to me and not be a ghost???"

The apparition sighed deeply, its voice sounding tired. "Severus, I must ask you to make this final effort. What is your last clear recollection in which we were all still alive?"

Severus thought for a moment. "My class. I had just finished my seventh year Slytherin-Gryffindor class. Had given H... Miss Granger detention."

The apparition's eyes twinkled. "Yes! And then you received an owl, did you not? An owl that was sent directly to your classroom by the Ministry, an official owl, was it not?"

His mind felt suddenly clear. The Ministry's owl. He had completely forgotten all about it. He had been telling Hermione the details of her detention, showing her the bottoms of the cauldrons she would be scrubbing after dinner with relish when the owl had come, flying in through the open classroom door. He would have usually waited to open the official letter until he was alone, but it was marked 'VERY URGENT' and Hermione was properly subdued, so he had just opened the parchment to see what it contained, still thinking he had to go check out Poppy's supplies. And that had been it, he had suddenly been there. He was almost afraid to ask.

"Yes, I did. What was on it? I never read the letter."

"There was no letter to read. Only the Dark Mark drawn on the parchment, keyed to your touch. Which, in turn, triggered the _Purgatorium Æternus_ spell.

The _Purgatorium Æternus_ spell. One of the oldest dark spells known to wizardkind. It trapped the victim's mind within a fake reality, as painful as possible. It hadn't been used in so very long because the caster had to know the victim properly in order to successfully create that fake reality. It was weaved into a parchment every night for a full lunar cycle. That explained everything. The feelings of guilt, of despair, were one of the many properties of the spell. The gruesome deaths instead of the clean _Avada Kedavra_s because the caster had wanted the experience to be as horrid as possible. The absence of ghosts, house-elfs, portraits, even the moving staircases - all details more demanding of the caster's power than they were worth. It only failed to explain one thing. _Purgatorium Æternus_ was a spell dependent on touch; it had to be, if it was to catch its victims unaware. How had Hermione been dragged into it?

"But... Miss Granger..?"

"Miss Granger must have tried to catch you as you fell. We assume her fingers may have inadvertently grazed the parchment."

Then that too was explained. As they had been drawn into it, the spell had placed them both where their mind had been aiming to go. He had wanted to go to the infirmary, and Hermione had no doubt been thinking how she wished she were in her common room rather than in the classroom being lectured by him. But how had he managed to break free? From what he knew of the spell, it was escapable, but the victim had to willingly go someplace that it was usually terrified of._ 'I assume you went outside, then?'_ Of course. The grounds. Whoever had set him up for this had been too lazy to weave them into the parchment, and so had placed artificial fear of the exterior rather than used any of Severus' true fears. And it had worked better that way too for, had it been an exclusive terror of his, Hermione would probably have broken free long before he had. But he hadn't gone out into the grounds.

"But I... never left the castle. I barely left the dungeons at all. And how do you know that it was the castle, and that the grounds were the exit?"

"Young Mr. Malfoy told me, a week after you had fallen under its influence. It seems his father was the one behind this, and he overheard him talking about it; I'm afraid your cover is blown, as the muggles would say. As for Draco, I'm not sure you realise how that boy feels about you, he looks up to you more than he does to his own father. Most fortunately for him, I must say. He's been worried sick, as have I and the rest of the faculty. The student body, naturally, hasn't been informed of the true reason behind your sudden illness. And you say you never left the castle?"

"Never."

"Most interesting. Most, most interesting."

Severus knew that mischievous tone, and he didn't like it one bit. "Albus, what is it you know?"

"Well, you see, Severus, the only other way for a person to break this spell is to be happy. To be fully, truly happy."

Severus was silenced by this revelation. Hermione. She had been his salvation in so many more ways than one... He leaned back on his pillow, thinking.

"How long..?"

"Four and a half months."

"_Four and a half months?!?_" As far as he knew that particular spell rendered its victims insane within a week. Irreparably insane. How on earth... The Headmaster proceeded to answer that as well.

"I can only assume, given your fortunate present condition, that the spell didn't know where to turn to. It was not conceived to entrap two people together. Especially not two people as intelligent and rational as yourself and Miss Granger. It must have tried to divide itself, thus losing power. However now I fear our deadline has been set. I dread the consequences if we don't succeed in pulling Miss Granger out somehow within the week."

Silence hung heavy in the air, and Severus barely noticed as a large dosage of Potion for Dreamless Sleep was slipped through his lips. Then he knew no more.

---

When he woke up again, it was night. He was sure the Sun had been high up in the sky before, and it angered him to no end. He had been so distracted he hadn't even noticed he'd taken the Dreamless Sleep until he had swallowed it. How could they? Best intentions be damned, how could they have put him to sleep when Hermione's sanity was on the line?

As his mind worked furiously, so did his body. While, before his experience inside the _Purgatorium Æternus_, he would have called for Poppy to give him back his clothes, now Transfiguration was second nature to him. In a flash he was up and fully clothed in his usual teaching robes. As he was making to leave, he noticed an occupied bed. His heart raced faster as he approached it, knowing before he got there who he would find. Hermione. Lying with her eyes closed, giving a casual onlooker the illusion that she was merely sleeping. Severus was suddenly overwhelmed by pain at the thought of her alone with all the artificial demons created by the spell. He caught her hand in his and brought it to his mouth, finding a modicum of comfort in the fact that she was warm.

"Don't worry, love," he murmured against her hand, "I'll get you out. I'll get you out of there on time if it kills me."

With one last longful look he was out of the infirmary, analysing the irony of never having actually kissed her lips, never actually held her. Even if they had made love in there, they still wouldn't have in reality. She would have had nothing to regret once she discovered everyone else was still alive. It had been one thing to believe she would still be his if other people had survived, but all of her friends? All of her friends who could not, for the life of them, stand him? Oh, no, no hope could survive _that_. But he would still get her out. And he knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that he would die loving her, whether he died within a year or older than Dumbledore.

His feet knew their way to the dungeons without the need for conscious thought, and so he allowed himself to focus on the problem at hand. He was counting on one of two books he owned to help him extricate Hermione from the clutches of the spell, each one of them enough on its own to assure him a lifetime in Azkaban were it ever discovered in his possession. So absorbed in his thoughts, Severus didn't even notice Justin Finch-Fletchley until he bumped into the boy. Almost automatically he barked "20 points from Hufflepuf for being out of bed after curfew, Mr. Finch-Fletchley, and do go and see Filch for your detention tomorrow." Without another word, the Potions Master swept past the startled boy, who didn't know whether to be more amazed at the fact that his supposedly ill Professor seemed to be perfectly alright or at having gotten away without a scathing remark. Within half an hour, the entire student body knew their dreaded Potions Master was back.

---

Severus' head seemed to be splitting in half, but still he scribbled furiously. He had been locked and warded in his chambers for three days, neither eating nor sleeping, researching Potion after spell, charm after counter-curse and he was still no closer to finding a successful way out for Hermione. Now that his deadline was half over his despair was growing by the minute. His throbbing head insisted that he fetch an anti-headache potion, but he ignored it; he had no time to waste on such superfluous needs.

As a new formula presented itself there was a sudden bang and a flash of light: a very angry Albus Dumbledore was standing at his doorway, having finally decided to forcefully get past his wards.

"SEVERUS SNAPE!" The older wizard boomed, "you won't do her any good by killing yourself! I have been infinitely patient with you, but you will get up this instant and go down to the kitchens, where you will eat. After that you will sleep, for no less than six hours, or I swear by the Gods above I will cast an unforgivable on you! Are we clear?"

The times when he had seen the Headmaster so angry over the course of nearly ten decades could be counted by the fingers of one hand, and Severus knew better than to try to argue. He got up carefully, his aching joints reminding him painfully that he had been in the same position for three days, and followed Albus, properly subdued. Just as he was at the threshold, though, a thought crossed his mind, quick as lightning.

"Forgive me Albus, I need only fetch one thing." Without giving the other wizard the time to protest, Severus wasted no time in getting to his bedside table, where he took something from the drawer that he quickly slipped inside his robes. Now he was ready to eat.

---

On the fourth day Severus made some progress, although he refused to be overjoyed by it - there was still a long way to go. He was perfectly aware that he should have spoken to Draco by now, thanked the boy and offered some words of encouragement, but there would be enough time for it later. There would, however, be no 'later' for Hermione if he didn't manage to get her out in three days' time.

--

Day 5: Severus was in the middle of a particularly complicated equation when Minerva McGonagall burst into his living room. It seemed that the school's staff was making an annoying habit out of it. He opened his mouth, intent on making a cutting remark, but the Transfiguration teacher cut across him.

"Severus, it's Miss Granger... Her vitals are failing, Albus said you should know."

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**Author's Note: **Please, please, _please_ forgive me! I know I promised to do all the shout outs this chapter, but I just got a job (finally!) and it gets harder and harder to keep this updated. I'll do the shout-outs as soon as I can, I hope everyone liked this chapter.****


	9. No Time

**Hidden Within**

**Chapter Eight - No Time**

"Severus, it's Miss Granger... Her vitals are failing, Albus said you should know."

Without a word Severus ran to the infirmary, panic speeding him until he was out of breath. Oblivious to everyone surrounding him, he made straight to her bed. There was still no outward noticeable change, she appeared to be sleeping just as she had five days ago, but Poppy's wand showed otherwise. All of her body seemed to be shutting down, as if someone somewhere had pulled a plug: her heart rate was slowing, her brain activity rapidly decreasing. Helpless to do anything but watch, Severus stood transfixed, the scene in front of him unfolding itself as if through a haze. Poppy giving her yet another potion, stronger than the last. Now a spell that was supposed to make her heart beat stronger. Still her pulse was fading. Another potion, last attempt. Pulse gone altogether. Poppy, giving her a cardiac massage. And then, finally, nothing. Defeat and sadness in the mediwitch's eyes, and a quiet acceptance of the inevitable.

"NO!" The howl of pain tore at his throat even before he was fully conscious of her death, shattering the solemn aura of the room. Albus, moving forth to reason with him, and suddenly Severus was gripping the older wizard by the shoulders, demanding to know where the parchment was. Albus' answer, Severus dropping him and running once more like a madman, as he had so long ago when he had first fallen under the influence of the _Purgatorium_. Only now it was that much more important that he make it on time. Screaming a nearly five-month old password to a gargoyle that refused to budge. Albus' kind voice supplying the correct one, and Severus was now flying up the moving staircase. Bursting into the Headmaster's office, reaching inside his robes. Turning the hourglass back, one, two, three, better make it four turns, he didn't know what she'd been fighting. "_Accio Purgatorium Æternus _parchment", thinking hard of the dungeons where he knew she would be, his fingers clutching the letter as if for dear life only harder, stronger, for it was a much more valuable life than his own. And then there he was, screaming her name at the top of his lungs, trying to ignore the terror that he might not have gone back far enough, that he might have lost her already. Running through his chambers, still calling her name, searching every corner where she might be. Then, finally, opening the bathroom door to find her fully clothed in the same dress she'd been wearing five days before, inside a full bathtub, vacant eyes, razor blade - _his_ razor blade, he realised irrelevantly - slowly cutting one exposed wrist, the second one already bleeding. She had been fighting only herself.

Severus' mind, jolting him at last into context, and he was inside the bathtub with her, the water so cold - how long had she been there? -, yanking the razorblade from her hand even as he cut his own fingers, his blood mingling with hers in the water, pain he wasn't even registering, razor blade flying to the floor, wand on her wrists, wounds closing and her eyes now focusing to see him for the first time.

"S... Severus?" Chin trembling, whole body shaking, and Severus lifting her from the cold water with strong arms, laying her down on the bed, warm blankets over her and his arms never leaving her, murmuring words of comfort.

"It's alright, love. It's alright. You're not alone anymore, I'm here with you."

---

It took him some time for the world to lose that surreal quality but, eventually, his thoughts began to clear. He had made it. He had saved her. Of all the possibilities that had gone through his mind, he had never made room for an attempted suicide. Which had, obviously, been a big mistake, especially since this particular spell had been made to entrap _him_. Things that depressed Severus Snape would, of course, be much harder to bear by someone untrained, unprepared. And he had left her alone to face it.

After she fell asleep he undressed her with a flick of his wand, and then tucked her safely between the sheets; the last thing he was prepared to risk was having saved her only to have her die of hypothermia. Only then, with her finally safe and warm, did the last five days take their toll on him - he fell on the bed next to her, suddenly too drained to even get out of his own wet clothes, and fell asleep instantly.

---

Hermione's eyes ached from the effort of keeping them shut tight. She didn't want to wake up, she so didn't... She had been dreaming Severus had returned, that he'd held her and called her love... waking up would only serve to augment her misery. After some time, though, she couldn't fight wakefulness anymore and she resigned to opening her eyes, tears already welling up in them... And then she saw him. Face paler than usual, darker and deeper lines beneath his eyes, dried blood on his fingers, lips tinged with purple, sleeping above all sheets and blankets, and the fireplace wasn't even lit. She frantically tried to remember where she had placed her wand, but to no avail. There was nothing but terror and pain since he had left. Hoping he could forgive her this intrusion, but too concerned with his well-being to care, Hermione took hold of his wand and said "_Accio_ wand." And, sure enough, although it took a great deal more effort than it would have with her own, it worked. Her wand came flying from somewhere inside the bathroom straight into her outstretched hand.

Unknowingly mimicking his earlier actions, she stripped him of his clothes and placed him inside the bed next to her. Then she noticed they were both naked. The scene had been quite different when she had envisioned it, but she didn't care. His body felt right against her all the same. She lit the fireplace with a whispered _Incendio_, careful not to wake him, and then snuggled closer to him, placing her hands on his kidneys in an attempt to keep him warm. After his lips had lost their purple tinge, and his body began to warm up, she allowed herself to fall asleep once more, content that all the demons had been scared away by his presence.

---

When Severus woke up, the first thing he was aware was that there was a throbbing, pulsing... _entity_ between his legs. While he had woken up with the occasional hard-on, it was nothing compared to _this_. Then he realised why. Hermione. Sleeping comfortably in his arms, body pressed against his, wearing nothing but a peaceful smile. So different from the woman he had pulled out of the bathtub a few hours ago... His throat tightened when he thought of what had almost happened, and his arms tightened around her in response. He had never believed himself capable of loving, and certainly not this much. She had changed him to the very core. Now he almost wished she hadn't. He knew he would never again be able to return to the fragile equilibrium he had built for himself over the years, he would never find peace or solace without her. 

He didn't notice he was crying until the first tear fell on her face, and the gentle motion of wiping it away was enough to wake her. She opened her eyes and reached a hand to his face, caressing him, making even more unwanted tears fall as she said his name. _How do I tell her?_, he thought miserably, _How__ do I tell her everyone is alive and watch her gracefully excuse herself from my life? How do I lose her?_

"Severus, please, what is it? What happened, where did you go? Why are you crying? Are you... sorry you came back?"

If his arms had tightened any stronger around her she was sure she would have cracked ribs. His voice was fierce, underlined with a passion that she did not yet comprehend. "Don't say that. Never say that. Never think that." He brought his mouth on hers like a starving man offered a feast, like a dying man granted a last wish. In a way he was, he knew he would never be truly alive without her. His love. When they finally broke the kiss she sounded just a little bit shy.

"I thought maybe I'd... maybe I'd really scared you away. That I'd lost you so badly you didn't want anything to do with me, that I should have just let sleeping dogs lay, that-" He silenced her with another reassuring kiss. Of course the spell would have led her to believe all that, illogical as it all might sound. How odd that, now that he knew exactly what it was, he was so immune to its influence.

He was delaying the moment, he knew. Taking every chance to have one more memory to keep, one more thing to remind him of her in the lonely future. She was speaking again.

"Does it bother you... that I love you? Is that why I lost you, did you need time to think?"

He had to bite his tongue not to tell her how he loved her as well, not wanting her to be burdened with that knowledge. It wasn't so much a matter of pride as it was of not risking her remaining with him out of pity, out of some Gryffindor sense of what was right. She had a full life ahead of her, he would not be her penance.

"You never lost me, don't think that. You never will." His voice was low and deep, soothing her nerves. "I didn't go away voluntarily, sweetheart. And of course it doesn't bother me... it honours me. Very much. Now we should both get dressed, I have much to tell you. It will change everything," he added in a pained whisper.

His last words made something flare deep inside her. Something was going to change and, by the looks of it, it didn't seem good. All thoughts of modesty cast aside, she pressed even closer.

"Severus, make love to me. Please."

For the briefest of instants he toyed with the idea, remembering how he had thought she would have lost nothing. It wasn't true. Even if it didn't reflect on her physical body she would lose her innocence. He couldn't let her do that. She had to keep that for someone whom she truly loved, not as the result of artificial feelings created by a spell. He couldn't take even that.

"Hermione, you need to listen to what I have to say-"

"Please." More urgent now, demanding. One of her hands caressing his erection, driving him insane.

"Hermione, listen-"

"Later. I need you now." His heart contracting painfully at her words, yearning, aching... So long since a woman had wanted him, never with such certainty. _'I need you now._' How could those words be meant for him? Her mouth on his chest now, gently teasing, slightly clumsy. Going lower now, to his belly, fire flaring up inside him...

"STOP!" He grabbed her wrists as he let out the strangled cry, pulling her upwards, thanking the Gods for having lent him the strength. When he faced her she was ashamed and on the verge of crying. She could barely whisper.

"I'm sorry. Please, Severus, I'm sorry, I thought you wanted me. Don't go away again, please." She did break down then, the terror inside her too great to contain. "Please, I won't do it again. Don't leave me here alone, I'm so sorry."

He cursed himself fiercely. She was still under the influence of the spell, how could he have been so stupid? How could he have been so rough, not even a thought to her feelings? He let go of her wrists and pulled her to his chest.

"I'd never leave you here alone by choice, don't you know that? You just need to listen to what I have to say, it's a good thing, I promise."

"Alright. I'm sorry, I just thought you wanted... I'm sorry."

He tipped her chin up to gaze deep in her eyes. "You thought I wanted what? You? How could I not? Believe me, Hermione, wanting you is not a problem. I'm not angry at you, just at myself." His arms closed around her once more. "But there are... other considerations you should be making."

The feelings of dread began to melt away. Whatever the reason, it was clear now that he hadn't stopped her because he thought she was acting like a slut. She was deeply angry at 'The Thing' for not allowing her to analyse this situation unbiased. She hadn't even processed that 'The Thing' had driven her to attempt suicide - that would be dealt with later.

"What 'other considerations'?"

"Such as what would Potter and Weasley think if they knew you were in bed with me."

She recoiled as if she'd been slapped. "Severus! What a cruel thing to say! They're _dead_, they would think nothing!"

This wasn't the way he had wanted to have this conversation with her but, now that he had begun, he had no choice but to finish it.

"No, they're not, Hermione, they're alive and well." Her eyes widened. "As is everyone else. I spoke to the Headmaster, I spoke to them and ate with them for the past five days. Everyone is alright."

He seemed honest and level-headed, but her only instinct was to fear for his sanity. Had he finally cracked?

"Severus, listen-"

"No, you listen. The end of your class, when I gave you detention?"

"Yes?"

"There was an owl, remember? A letter to me?

"Oh, Gods! And then you opened it and you fainted. I tried to help you, but then..."

"But then you were in your common room seeing corpses. We're inside a dark spell, Hermione, one meant for me in which you were caught. And I know the way out. Your friends are all alive and well, I promise."

Untainted joy filled her. Everyone was alive, she was going to see them all again. It never occurred to her, not for a moment, to doubt Severus' word. She smiled.

"How do we leave, then?

"We do exactly that. We leave. Through the front door."

Her face closed instantly. " But Severus, if we go outside-"

"I'll be there with you. Please trust me, no harm will come to you."

She swallowed audibly. "Alright, I believe you. Well, we might as well go now, right?"

Her tone was fake cheerfulness and genuine trust mixed in equal parts, making him once again fully aware of the depth of his feelings for her. It was obvious she was afraid to try it, much more than afraid if one considered she had just been left alone to endure _Purgatorium Æternus _for five full days, but still she was prepared to do it based on nothing but his word. No one had ever trusted him like that. Not even Albus. He brought his mouth to her ear to whisper softly "I'll keep you safe, I swear."

---

Hand in hand they headed towards the door, Hermione trembling visibly with each step. Even Severus, who knew for sure, was being assaulted by new terrors. When they finally reached it and he placed his hand on the doorknob she opened her mouth and he was sure she was going to back away, but she said simply, "Hold me. Please. Hold me as we go through."

He complied without a word, overwhelmed by her trust, and the last thing he heard before waking back in the infirmary was her voice. _"I love you, Severus Snape"_

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**Author's Note: **Here's a new chapter for you. I still haven't adjusted to my new schedule, please don't hex me. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and thank you for your lovely reviews. Please, drop me some more! ;)****


	10. Shock

****

Hidden Within

Chapter Nine - Shock

When he opened his eyes, the first thing he felt was an overwhelming sensation of loss. This was it now, the real world with all of its accompanying consequences. If it weren't for the fact that Hermione deserved the fullest life she could get, he'd almost wish he hadn't known his reality was a fake one. How ironic that the thing conceived to madden him with pain was the very same thing that had allowed him to be happy. How ironic that he had _that_ to thank Lucius Malfoy for. And he hadn't even begun thinking of the implications of what had happened. He'd been discovered. He could no longer spy, could no longer do anything to help, to redeem himself. On the other hand, he would never have to commit another atrocity, for as long as he lived. He heard Poppy fussing over Hermione and slipped away as quietly as possible, afraid to look at the woman he had held in his arms just a few minutes ago. Afraid he'd break down in front of her. And yet, now that he had his precious control back, he was sure it would never happen again.

---

When Hermione opened her eyes, it was almost as if she were breathing again after having nearly drowned. The infirmary, the smells, of clean and neat antiseptics instead of the coppery stench of blood of her last recollection, everything was reassuring. She wanted to just get up and go to Severus, to ask him to hold her again, to share her happiness with him, but something stopped her. This was both his home and his work, the place where he had lived for almost twenty years, and he was an intensely private man - surely he wouldn't appreciate such a display, especially in front of Madam Pomfrey. Tonight. Tonight, after she had spoken to Harry and, especially, to Ron, after she had the chance to explain to him that he would always be her best friend - _only_ her best friend - she would sneak down to the dungeons to speak to Severus. Maybe she could even borrow Harry's cloak.

---

It had been at least five hours since he had sat with a glass and a bottle of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey, hoping to drink himself into a stupor, and still the whiskey remained untouched. The loss of her was a somehow too solemn thing for him to drown in alcohol. He dreaded to think of how the rest of the year would be, with her sitting in his classroom several hours a week. She probably wouldn't go back to Weasley, at least not after what she had told him, but, still, nothing prevented her from finding someone else. _Someone worthy of her_, his mind supplied venomously. All of a sudden he got up and threw the full glass angrily at the fireplace, causing the flames to flare momentarily. Nothing could help him, and most certainly not some distilled disinfectant.

---

Albus Dumbledore was exhausted. He hadn't felt this tired in decades, and yet he was happy. He, of course, remembered the events exactly as they had happened, time turner _et al_. He had, after all, been the one to bring Severus' unconscious form back to the infirmary a few hours ago, when they had thought they had lost Miss Granger. He had told no one of Severus' actions, confident that he would be up and awake during the day, and only Poppy knew for sure that he had gone back inside the _Purgatorium Æternus_. When Minerva had seen the floating Potions Master, the Headmaster had claimed exhaustion and shock as the reason for him to have simply passed out. Then Miss Granger's vitals had returned, and he had let everyone believe she had simply had a miraculous recovery, but he knew better. He knew Severus had saved her from something in there, he just didn't know what. And he also had a pretty good idea of the nature of his Potions Master's convoluted feelings. Which worried him in a far different manner than it should have. Under ordinary circumstances he would have a long conversation with any teacher who entertained the notion of maintaining a romantic relationship with a student, one possibly ending in contract termination. However, Severus was no Gilderoy Lockhart, and Miss Granger hardly an average seventeen year old girl. No, his greatest concern was what Severus might do to ruin everything. The man had the annoying habit of not believing he was worth anything, or that he had anything good in him left to give. Things were going to get worse before they got better.

---

The conversation with Ron turned out to be a lot easier than she had anticipated. It seemed Ron too had been having doubts about their relationship even before she had been caught in the spell; then, of course, in typical Ron Weasley style, he had been blaming himself for her sudden illness - that he hadn't paid her enough attention, that she had probably already been ill and he hadn't noticed... she was sure he would have remained with her if she hadn't ended it, if only out pf misplaced guilt. It had been the first thing she had done upon reaching her common room, despite everyone else congratulating her on her recovery and trying to know what exactly her "illness" had been.

After that she was sure the worse was over. She couldn't have been more wrong.

She was skimming through Parvati's homework to see what she had missed - _four and a half months!_ She would probably fail the year! - when there had been a knock on the door.

"Who is it?"

"It's Harry. Can I come in?"

"It's open."

Harry let himself in and immediately proceeded to hug her thoroughly. She had lost count on exactly how many times she had been hugged ever since she had woken up; even Professor McGonagall had hugged her.

"It's so good to see you up and well, Hermione! We're both really happy that you're alright now."

She hugged him back. "I know, Harry, I've missed you both terribly too."

He looked at her awkwardly. "You've _missed_ us? In a coma??" 

Hermione hastily closed the door. "I wasn't... in a coma _per se_, Harry. Sit down, I'll tell you everything."

In the end, it was a much quicker tale than she would have thought. It was a heavily edited version, of course, one that left out her more private... interactions with Severus. For some reason it just didn't seem right telling it to Harry. Which still didn't stop him sticking his foot in his mouth.

"Oh, Gods, poor Hermione! Almost five months all alone with Snape. Ugh! I wouldn't wish that on Voldemort!"

"It wasn't like that, Harry, it wasn't like that at all. I wouldn't have lasted a week in there without him."

"Still, _Snape_. It rather makes you wonder if the alternative wouldn't be better! I bet now you wish you hadn't tried to stop him from falling. Who knows, maybe he would have never came back. Can you imagine that, a Snape-free Hogwarts?"

A shudder ran through Hermione. Yes, of course she could picture a Snape-free Hogwarts, she could picture it all too well. She had experienced it for five full days, in fact.

"Don't be stupid, Harry, of course I don't wish that. You'd rather he were mad or dead just so you wouldn't have him in class?"

The only thing that could be said for Harry was that he looked suitably ashamed. Unfortunately, he didn't _sound _suitably ashamed.

"It's not just a matter of having him in class, Hermione, it's everything else. It's him prowling the school at all hours, taking points as he pleases, always being a bastard. He's _always been_ a bastard, Sirius will tell you that. Really, who would miss him?"

"Yes, of course, you're right. Who would miss him? If he has no one to miss him it would be no loss, right? He even used to be a Death Eater!.."

"Exactly! Honestly, I don't know why Dumbledore continues to let him teach here. He might have turned spy, but he was doing no more than what he should have in the first place. Even what happened to you was because of him."

"Of course! It's all _his _fault that Lucius Malfoy tried to do that to him. The _bastard_!!!" Harry was only now catching up to her sarcastic tone. "Oh, of course I hate him too. Why wouldn't I? After all, it's so much simpler than trying to understand his reasons. It's more than simple, it's convenient. It's _convenient_ to hate Snape, to remember he was a Death Eater and forget how he kept placing himself at risk, over and over again, trying to save _your_ sorry butt and finally being trapped in that horrendous spell because of it! Why, it's _his _fault! Doesn't he take away house points? Doesn't he favour Slytherins? What does it matter that he is a human being, what does it matter that he has hopes, and fears, and doubts, and emotions, just like everybody else?" She was trembling with fury now. "Let's all just _hate_ him because he's Snape, and it's ok to hate Snape!" Now she was screaming. "It doesn't matter that he did everything he could to help me survive that horror, it doesn't matter that he comforted me and held me as I cried, it does NOT MATTER that he gave me his own bedroom because it was the best place inside that, that thing, and it doesn't matter that, in the end, he went back AND SAVED ME!!! He was already here, already safe and she went back to get me, but it doesn't matter because he's Snape!!! Well let me tell you something, Harry Potter, I'm very GLAD I got trapped in that spell with Severus, or I would never have known him for what he is. And I would rather still be in there with him than here, having to listen to all of this nonsense from _you_!!!"

When she finished her tirade she was shaking violently. Harry was staring open-mouthedly at her.

"'_Severus_'?!? Hermione... what exactly _happened _in there?"

"A LOT LESS THAN I WISH IT HAD!!! A lot less than what would have happened if he weren't so damn honourable!"

Harry looked greener than the Slytherin banner. "I... I'm sorry, Hermione, I... I didn't know you felt that way."

Suddenly Hermione felt tired. "You really don't get it, do you, Harry? You shouldn't be sorry because of my feelings, you should be sorry for having misjudged him. Over and over again. _That_'s why you should be sorry. Not because I got upset, not because I love him, but because he doesn't deserve it. That's why you should be sorry, Harry."

Harry's mind, along with his vocal cords, had stopped functioning somewhere around the time she had said "because I love him".

"You... _love_ him? And Ron?"

"Ron and I are friends, which is all we should ever have been"

"I see." The Boy Who Lived swallowed. "You're in love with Snape. I... I'm sorry, Hermione, I can't deal with this right now, I really can't. I'll... I'll see you at dinner."

As she watched one of her best friends hastily leave her bedroom, the only emotion Hermione was able to feel was relief. At least now, for better or for worse, the issue was dealt with. She returned to Parvati's homework, but her mind was elsewhere. A few floors down, to be precise, in the dungeons along with her heart. She could hardly wait until night.

------------------

****

Author's Note: I know it's been almost a month, and no amount of excuses will get me off the hook, but work has been crazy. Next chapter is already written, it just isn't typed, so it shouldn't take long. I hope at least some of you are still with me. :/ Please review!


	11. Difficult Decisions

**Hidden Within**

**Chapter Ten - Difficult Decisions**

It was shortly after six that Severus finally gathered the strength to leave his quarters and go to the Slytherin common room. He knew he should have done so before, but he had been too busy wallowing in self pity. No one would have been able to tell, however, by his calm, composed demeanour as he gave the password and entered the common room. It wasn't hard to spot the blond young man he was looking for, sitting alone in a corner.

"Mr. Malfoy, a word in my office, please."

Draco got up quickly and followed the Potions Master without a word. Only after he had closed and re-warded his office door did Severus allow his detached façade to slip. He smiled tiredly at the boy.

"Thank you, Draco. For everything you did. I hope you can forgive me for not having acknowledged it sooner, but Miss Granger's well-being was compromised because of me. I am sure you can understand I couldn't leave her there to suffer what should have been my fate."

"Of course, sir. And, anyway, I didn't actually do anything that helped," he answered with a slightly dismissive shrug. Severus' internal alarm bells began to ring at the younger Slytherin's dejected look. Damn, he always had to mess things up!

"Draco, what you did was very brave. And very useful, I might add. If I hadn't known the way out I would have been trapped in there the second time around. I cannot thank you enough." He reached closer to the boy and placed a quasi-fatherly hand on his shoulder. "I am extremely grateful. And extremely proud of you as well."

Pale grey eyes widened in surprise. Seeing his astonished look, Severus was taken by a wave of relief. At least this one he had gotten right. It was clear to him that Draco desesperately needed recognition and approval, he had known he would ever since the boy had been born. One could expect no other thing from Lucius Malfoy's son. What was amazing, almost miraculous, was that he had gathered the courage to turn away from the path his father had so meticulously set out for him, maybe realising his father's approval wasn't necessarily a good thing.

Severus was, as usual, overlooking his own role in Draco's decision. It had been during the summer holiday, when Lucius had informed his son he would be taking the Mark as soon as he left Hogwarts. Severus had been aware of the boy's indecision and had, against his own better judgement, made clear to the youngest Malfoy that he could count on him to help, whatever his decision was. It had been a downright lie, of course; had Draco become a loyal Death Eater, Severus would have been working against him sooner rather than later, but he had hoped it would help sway Draco's heart to the right place. Apparently he had been right.

"Thank you, sir. I'm very glad to know I helped somehow."

"Good. You helped a lot. You may go now."

The awed Slytherin was almost out of the door when his professor spoke again.

"Draco?"

"Professor?"

"Does your father know yet? Of your decision?"

"He will soon enough. I owled him a letter two hours ago."

"I see. You are aware this means you will no longer be able to count his home as your own?"

"I know sir."

"What will you do after school?"

"I don't know. Get a job as quickly as I can, probably."

Severus hadn't been lying. He _was _rather proud of the young man Draco Malfoy had grown into. To throw away a Malfoy's money and influence for one's beliefs was no small accomplishment, and he was willing to delay his life to get the first available job as well, no doubt to be able to feed himself. He spoke.

"There is another alternative."

"What is it, sir?"

"I could take you on as my apprentice here in Hogwarts next year, if you are interested. I must warn you, however, I will not tolerate any lack of discipline. An apprenticeship is not the same as your classroom."

Draco's heart leapt. To have the opportunity to study under one of Britain's best Potions Masters was a rare honour indeed. And at the same time while managing to keep a roof over his head... fabulous.

"Sir, I, I, I would love to! What exams do I have to take?"

"None other than your N.E.W.T.S.. I will be able to determine from them if you possess the skill. Which as a matter of fact, I am absolutely confident you do. It will come down to the simple matter of whether you possess the discipline or not."

"I do, sir. I won't let you down."

"No, I believe you won't. You are dismissed now, I suggest you go study."

"Yes sir."

Severus stood as he watched the younger Slytherin leave the room. The change in him had been astounding. Amazing what a little courage and encouragement could do. He would speak to Albus about the boy.

---

The rest of the day went by at an agonising pace for Hermione. All she could think of was when she was going to see Severus again, be in his arms again. It had, after all, been four and a half months of never being apart. Those few hours were being almost unbearable.

Severus wasn't at dinner. She looked over and over at the High Table, hoping he would show up, but the best she got were somewhat concerned glances from the Headmaster and Harry's half-ashamed half-disgusted glares. When it became clear he wouldn't make an appearance she excused herself and left. At least she could make the best possible use of the time she still had before she went to meet him and study the best possible route, since it seemed obvious that borrowing Harry's cloak was out of the question.

Finally it was time. Heart beating so furiously it seemed about to leap from her chest at any time, she made for his quarters.

She had almost reached them when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Slowly turning while chanting in her mind 'Please, oh, please, don't be Filch', she faced the Headmaster.

"Miss Granger, my dear."

"Headmaster."

"You do realise, of course, that it is past curfew and that this is not Gryffindor Tower."

She gulped. "Er... yes, I... erm..."

"Fear not, my dear. I am not going to punish you. I wish merely to warn you that you risk getting caught by our dear Potions Master."

Hermione blushed a deep crimson at the Headmaster's merry twinkle. It was as if he knew what she was doing there. He probably did.

"Um... thank you, sir..."

His expression sobered up. "You're welcome, Miss Granger. You've been through a terrible ordeal. I must urge you to be careful if you don't wish to suffer more. And patient. _Extremely_ patient. Well, I must be going now. I trust you won't stay too long out of bed."

And with that he was off, not seeing Hermione's blush deepen impossibly. Yes, she as well trusted she wouldn't stay out of bed for too long... just not her own bed.

---

Severus had been sitting in the same chair ever since he had left his office after his conversation with Draco, staring into the void. There was no fire on the hearth and the room was gloomy. He had been thinking of the irony of his situation, thinking of Draco as a boy and how he would be proud to have him as a son and thinking of Hermione as a fully grown woman, one he would give anything to have by his side. And they were both of the exact same age. Not that it mattered, anyway.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Severus glanced at the watch. Eleven o'clock. It was probably Albus. He got up as if the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. When he opened the door and saw who was on the other side, however, his heart nearly stopped. Hermione.

"Severus!" Before he knew it she had flung herself into his arms with a sigh of tremendous relief. "Oh, Severus, I've missed you so much. So much, I thought the day would never end so I could come down and see you."

In that briefest of instants all of the possible outcomes flashed through his mind. She loved him, she truly loved him. The way she had come to meet him, the tone of her voice... and he wanted nothing more than to return her embrace, than to allow her to come in and heal him, to kiss her until he couldn't breathe. He could do that. They would see each other secretly until she finished Hogwarts and then they could let the whole world know...and then all of the doors that would be half-closed because of her muggle heritage would slam shut in her face when it became public knowledge that she was involved with a former Death Eater. A Death Eater, never mind the "former". He would be constantly in her way, keeping her from achieving half of her goals by simply being there. And she would always be by his side, with an unwavering smile on her lips, first out of love, then out of loyalty, out of duty, and, finally, out of pity. He would be her ruin. Or he could be strong enough for the both of them and give up everything he had ever dared dream. Give _her_ up, for her sake, her happiness. He could do that, no matter how hard it was. He pushed her away.

"_Miss Granger_, might I remind you that when I gave you permission to call me by name I also mentioned it was because we were under specific circumstances? We are no longer under those circumstances, Miss Granger, and I am still your teacher. Kindly remember who you are."

The shocked pain in her eyes nearly undid him.

"Who I... Severus... what do you mean?"

"I mean exactly what I said, _Miss Granger_. This is the real world."

Her voice was choked, as if she were trying to swallow tears.

"But I thought... you said... Severus, I-"

"_MISS GRANGER_, given your recent ordeal I have yet to take away house points. Make no mistake, however, I _will_ do so if you call me anything other than 'Professor Snape'. You are my student and I will tolerate no disrespect! Now, you are out of your room past curfew; is there any _relevant_ reason? No? Then do yourself a favour and leave before I begin to regret my leniency."

She made an attempt to speak but he wouldn't let her.

"_Good night, Miss Granger_. I trust I will not have to see you until your next Potions lesson."

She ran then. She ran as fast as she could, back to her room, away from the dungeons, away from _him_. It wasn't until she had already collapsed on her bed that the Headmaster's words came back to her. '_I must urge you to be careful if you don't wish to suffer more. And patient. _Extremely _patient._' It was as if he had known what would happen, as if he had known she was heading for rejection. But how could patience help, she thought between her sobs, how could patience make him want her when he so clearly didn't? '_I am still your teacher_' '_You are my student and I will tolerate no disrespect!_' Was he trying to tell her something? Was Severus merely telling her they couldn't be together while she was a student, and not outright expelling her from his life? She clung to that hope desesperately. She couldn't fail the year, it was too important. More important that school had ever been. Her N.E.W.T.S. were only a few shot months away, but she would not fail. She _could not_ fail. She fell asleep almost three hours later, surrounded by study books and schoolwork, unaware that down in the dungeons, Severus was still awake thinking of her.

---

As soon as she had run away from him he had slammed the door shut and buried his head in his hands, fresh waves of despair washing through him. Whispered words finally broke free from his mouth now that he was sure there was no one there to hear them. '_Run away, love. Run away and be happy. I would only hold you back, it's better this way. It's better if you hate me, love._'

He threw himself onto the sofa, unable to try to sleep in the bed they had slept together in, where he had held her, where she had told him she loved him... even if it hadn't been real, it had been real enough for him. A small part of him was awed that her love for him had survived the truth, awed that she would still want to be with him even with all the odds stacked against them... but mostly what he could feel was pain, overwhelming pain. She had come to him and he had sent her away... he had feared he didn't have it in him anymore, to be able to lie so cruelly when all he had wanted had been to beg her never to leave him, to be with him forever... He finally fell asleep, fervently wishing between the blur of excruciating pain that the year would end quickly enough. He had sufficient confidence in both her intelligence and her abilities to know she would graduate with ease, despite those four and a half months.

------------------

**Author's Note: **Well, here you have it, Hermione's big conversation with Severus. Although it was kind of one-sided, though. Now just a bit of shameless self-promotion: I'm writing a short story called "The Christmas Gift", why don't you go check it out?... maybe leave a review while your at it? Thank you! Review, please. :)


	12. An Unexpected Friend

**Hidden Within**

**Chapter Eleven - An Unexpected Friend**

Hermione could barely believe her NEWTs were already upon her. She had studied and prepared for them every waking second - and, ultimately, a few sleeping ones as well since she had started dreaming about her revisions -, and they still seemed too soon. She was mostly afraid of her upcoming Potions NEWT, since it had been a tremendous effort of will to keep her attention focused on the syllabus instead of on the teacher. But she would not fail. She owed them both that much. Thank Heavens that examinations weren't conducted by Hogwarts teachers!

Things had been strained with Harry at first, until he had cornered her in the library and told her that he couldn't figure out why she was 'avoiding Ron as well'. When he finally understood that she had, in fact, been fully concentrating on her studies and not avoiding anyone, he had ended up confessing he missed her, regardless of who she was in love with. "Besides, my homework's been suffering terribly, and poor Ron's too!" Hermione hadn't anticipated the relief she would feel at not being all alone. Suddenly, with her best friends back, her load seemed lighter. Now, however, waiting in line for her name to be called for the Defence Against the Dark Arts NEWT, her stomach was a tangled mass and it was all she could do to keep breathing. Never had any examination been more important to her, and that was saying quite a lot. Then she heard 'Granger, Hermione', and all thoughts were wiped clean from her mind.

---

It was over, Hermione thought while she toyed with her mashed potatoes, it was finally over. She didn't know how well she had done, but she had at least scraped 'A's in all her NEWTs, she was sure. Of course she would have normally accepted nothing short of 'O's, but her circumstances had scarcely been 'normal'. Now the Leaving Feast was dragging interminably, and she could hardly wait for Dumbledore's speech to mark that she was no longer Severus' student. The Potions Master had already excused himself from the High Table, and it was a strenuous task to keep from running out of the Great Hall after him.

After what seemed an eternity, though, Dumbledore finished speaking and she was free. She left the Great Hall as soon as it was acceptable, muttering something about not having packed everything, and made for the dungeons, a sense of foreboding upon her.

---

Severus had also left the Great Hall as soon as he thought it would be deemed acceptable, although, for him, that had been rather sooner than for Hermione. He had mixed feelings about the meaning of this particular Leaving Feast, about not having to see her again... seeing her was both agony and bliss, both torment and redemption. All in all, he thought sourly, not at all that different from what _not_ seeing her would be like. Still it was over, in a way, and he would no longer have to school his expressions so carefully. He supposed that, at least, was a plus. His musings were interrupted by a knock on his door, one he briefly considered not answering to. But Albus had never been deterred by his lack of response before, so he supposed he had better open it. Now as before, he had not expected to be confronted by Hermione. He opened his mouth, although he had no idea what he was going to say, but she saved him the effort by raising her hand in a plea for silence.

"Severus. Please let me speak, please don't say anything until I'm finished. Please." She seemed so nervous... "My NEWTs are over. I'm sure I passed them, Severus, as is the Headmaster. And the Leaving Feast is happening right now, I am not a Hogwarts student anymore. I am not _your_ student anymore." Her eyes were suspiciously bright and her voice was trembling. "What about now? None of the reasons you mentioned before applies anymore. Is there an us now? I still love you..."

All the air that had once filled his lungs suddenly went missing. He had thought... he had thought she had put him out of her mind, certainly out of her heart... he had received no indication whatsoever that she still thought of him as... something more than a teacher. He had not prepared himself for this confrontation, he had no words for her. '_I still love you..._' Gods! But his true reasons remained unchanged, they were still as valid as before... He tried to think of a scathing remark, something that would make her hate him for sure this time, but the best he could do was to keep his voice neutral.

"Miss Granger, I apologise if I misled you in any way. It was not my intention to do so. My reasons still apply, it would merely seem I didn't make them clear enough; I do not wish to be with you. Not now, and not in the future. Once again my apologies. I had thought I had made that point clear enough."

Hermione felt as if she had been hit by the _Cruciatus_. It had all been a lie, she had been lying to herself all along. She wanted to hate him, she wanted him to see his words bounce off her as if they were nothing, but she couldn't. She felt herself tearing apart inside, and still her stubborn nature wouldn't let her give up. She stuck her chin up even as tears streamed down her face.

"Did you lie before, then? You said you wanted me... what changed? What happened?"

"Reality, Miss Granger. Reality happened. You apparently, just failed to notice it. I wish you luck for your future, and I sincerely hope you don't misunderstand me now: I do not wish to be a part of it. Kindly leave my quarters now."

Hermione merely nodded. She would not give him the satisfaction of seeing her completely broken. With as much grace as she could she turned and left, knowing she was leaving behind her last chance to be with him.

---

Watching her retreating back, Severus had been sure that was the most pain he would feel in his life. He had been wrong. The first year after her departure had been relatively calm, with nothing unusual. He had kept tabs on Hermione, to ensure her safety, he told himself, and everything was going within a semblance of normality. She was working in experimental Potions for the Ministry of Magic, now that they had finally acknowledged Voldemort's return and, as with everything she put her heart into, her work was flawless. Then she had started dating. Severus had swallowed hard and he had had the man thoroughly checked out - all for her sake, of course - only to have her breaking up with the man and starting a new relationship. The pattern had gone on long enough for Severus to realise they were not relationships at all - none lasted more than a week, at best. He had tried to convince himself that, if her affections were so feeble, he was better off not having involved himself further with her, but he knew better. Somehow he knew she wouldn't have been like that with him. Then, when he had grown accustomed to the way she was leading her life, she had changed it again. The man she had been with one week remained unchanged the next. And the week after that. And, after two months, Severus understood the man was important enough to be checked out, lest he be a threat to Hermione. Jeffrey Gainsborough, mediwizard at St. Mungo's, good professional, confirmed to hate Voldemort as much as the next wizard and an overall "nice guy". Hermione would be safe enough with him, he had decided, and, after eight more months, Severus had chosen to do the healthy thing and stop tracking her. It had been a conscious effort on his part. Then he had purchased a pensieve for himself and proceeded to revive the time spent inside the _Purgatorium_. Only once a month and he would find the strength to go on. Another year and a half went by, and news came to Hogwarts that Hermione Granger and Jeffrey Gainsborough were to be wedded in four months. Severus had taken the news with his customary disdainful sneer, letting everyone in the staff room know exactly how unimportant he believed that particular piece of information to be, and then, in the privacy of his quarters, had broken down and cried. His visits to the pensieve became weekly after that, sometimes even more frequent that that. It was, after all, all he had now that Draco had finished his apprenticeship.

---

Hermione was in Diagon-Alley, hurrying to get her wedding dress. Everything had to be meticulously prepared, from the dress to the ceremony, from the invitations to the food. She didn't let herself be bothered by the fact that she was preparing her wedding with the exact same amount of effort and care that she reserved for business meetings; she refused to acknowledge that she was usually more excited before the aforementioned business meetings than now, two days before her wedding. Jeff was a good man, willing to give so much and asking so little in return... she was doing the right thing, and she would be as happy as she could. A voice intruded upon her thoughts.

"Hey, Granger."

She turned reflexively, recognising the voice immediately.

"Malfoy."

"I heard you were getting married."

_And what have you got to do with it?_, she wanted to snap, but then she remembered Draco was alright after all and bit her tongue. "I am. The day after tomorrow."

"Oh. Er... I see." He seemed uncomfortable.

"Well, I've got to go now, I have a wedding dress to pick up. It was nice seeing you."

"No, wait!" Hermione turned again, surprised at his tone of voice.

"Is there something wrong?"

"Could we discuss this over a butterbeer? It's really important..."

'Really Important'? What could Draco Malfoy have to discuss with her that qualified as 'Really Important'? She felt her curiosity getting the best of her.

"Er... alright. The Leaky Cauldron, then?"

"Yes, that would be fine."

---

Draco had seemed in quite a hurry to talk to her before but, now that they were sitting down, he was on his second butterbeer and he still hadn't uttered a word, although his face was getting redder by the second. Finally, when Hermione could take no more, he started.

"I wanted to talk to you because... you see... well... you know that I was an apprentice with Professor Snape until last year... and... and I still go to Hogwarts to meet him sometimes, his help is invaluable, the man _is_ close to being a genius, you know?"

Hermione knew, although she couldn't see where he was trying to get, so she told him so.

"I'm getting there, I'm getting there, alright? This isn't exactly easy for me, you know?"

"No, Draco, I _don't_ know, you haven't told me yet!" She replied, impatiently.

"What I wanted to know is if you still love him," he blurted.

"What?!?"

"Severus. Do you still love him?"

Hermione got up, outraged. "You have got to be kidding me! So he told you, did he? And now he sent you to check if the foolish little schoolgirl is still madly in love with him although she is marrying someone else, did he? Well you can go back and tell him I couldn't care less if he dropped dead!"

Draco had gotten up as well and raised his hand in a futile attempt to calm her down. "No, it's nothing of the kind, listen-"

"I don't want to listen! I can't even believe he told you, but _I_ certainly don't have to give _you_ answers. Or _him_ for that matter! But, if he really wants to know, you can tell him I couldn't be happier!"

"He didn't tell me anything."

"That was the best you could come up with?? 'He didn't tell me anything.'?? So what did you do, guess??"

"I saw it. In a pensieve. The whole time you were inside the spell. He has it on his bedside table, I guess he thought no one would go to his quarters without him there. The Headmaster's worried about him, he doesn't do anything anymore except teach and lock himself in with that bloody pensieve. You have no idea how he's like, Hermione, it's almost as if he's become a ghost. Now, I don't know what happened between you two _after_ you broke my fa... of Lucius' spell, but whatever it was, it's killing him. It's eating away at him, leaving only a shell."

Hermione Granger was not used to being at a loss for words. Words were the one thing she never lacked, flowing effortlessly to her lips whenever they were needed, always there. Which was why she was utterly surprised when she opened and closed her mouth at least six times before being able to utter "What?!?" She sat back down, waiting for her brain to resume its normal activity.

"Draco, you... you must be mistaken. I don't know why he keeps what happened between us in a pensieve, but whatever is eating away at him has nothing to do with that. Nothing at all. I appreciate you trying to help him, but I'm not the cause of his troubles. And I'm not the solution for them either."

"Yes you are. He treasures that thing like he's obsessed. I guess he is, in a way. He's withering, Hermione. What did you do to leave him like that?"

She could barely process what she was being said. How could that be? It didn't add up, any of it. Severus had made it clear he didn't want her, that what had happened between them had been only because of the _Purgatorium Aeternus_, that none of his feelings had been real... But then there was the Headmaster's cryptic warning '_And patient. Extremely patient._' Oh, damn Severus Snape, damn the man to Hell!!! She had spent the better part of five years trying to forget him, first by dedicating herself solely to her work, then by dating as much as possible, and, finally, with Jeff, and still he wouldn't leave her alone! She wished she could just snap something at Draco and be on her way, but she knew it wouldn't solve anything. Draco might go away, she might go ahead and get married, but the doubt would always be there, like a poisonous sting... she had to know why Severus was acting like this, even if it meant getting hurt all over again...

"Nothing. I didn't do a damn thing. We got out of the bloody spell alright - he saved me in there, actually - but when I went to see him he just told me to leave. And then I thought it might have been because he was my teacher and I made the same stupid mistake all over again and I went to see him during the Leaving Feast. Damn it, Draco, he told me he didn't want me, he was quite clear on _that_!"

"Wow. I didn't know that. So I guess you pretty much hate him, right? Well, I'm sorry I bothered you, then, I just... I guess I wanted to pay him back for all he's done for me. I should've known I wouldn't be any help. I hope your wedding goes ok."

Something in the dismissive way Draco shrugged his shoulders showed Hermione just how much hope he had put into this, just how much he cared for Severus. And she liked him for that, and decided that maybe he could be trusted, if only a little. She placed her hand on his shoulder just as he made to leave.

"Draco?"

"Huh?"

"I don't hate him. I don't hate him at all. I just can't see how it is he could tell me so clearly he didn't want me and now you come here and tell me he keeps reviving the time we spent together in a bloody pensieve!"

"I don't know either. But I'm willing to bet that, whatever his reasons, they weren't the ones he told you. You wouldn't recognise him if you saw him now. Not teaching, of course - he still terrorises the living daylights out of everybody - but in private. It's like he's too tired all the time to even snap at people, like he's stopped caring. He's the shadow of the man he was. Lucius would be thrilled if he weren't in Azkaban."

"So I'm supposed to go to him and grovel, is that it?"

"No, of course not. I told you, I didn't know it had been his decision. I guess he must have had his reasons."

Hermione sighed. "Yes. And I guess it's up to me to find out what they were... Damn you for having told me this, Draco!"

Draco sat up straighter, an understanding glint in his eyes.

"You _do_ still love him!"

"A fat load of good _that_ did me," answered Hermione aggressively. Then she gave a half-smile. "I guess you're right. I spent so much time telling myself he meant nothing to me anymore I almost believed it. Almost. I just wish I could understand why he would turn me away... Why are you telling me all of this, anyway? We were never exactly friends, why would you want him to be with me?"

"Because I think he loves you."

He let his words hang, unaware that he'd just hit Hermione with a speeding, bladed bludger. She had never once thought Severus might love her. She had believed he cared for her, that he wanted her and that that might just be enough for him, but never love. And now someone who knew him, someone who had been almost a son to him for four years was telling her he loved her, and her carefully organised life was crumbling to pieces already. She spoke no more as she finished her butterbeer and paid for it. Then she managed a terse "Thank you, Draco" and apparated straight to her flat.

------------------

**Author's Note: **And here's Chapter 11 for you (and about time too, I must admit :/ ) The next one shouldn't take too long, I wrote it over the holidays, I'll begin typing it tomorrow. I have another short story in the works (I can't help it - they seem to grow on me), it's called No Other Option, if you find the time to read it please tell me what you think. Review, please!


	13. Confessions and Explanations

**Hidden Within**

**Chapter Twelve – Confessions and Explanations**

Four hours later, standing in the corridor that led to his quarters, Hermione was beginning to question the wisdom of her decision. What was she doing here, only two days away from her wedding, just begging to get hurt? Why wasn't she at home taking care of everything? Gods, she hadn't even picked up her wedding dress, everything had been wiped clean from her mind after her little 'chat' with Draco! And for what? She had spent three hours in her flat trying to look her best while trying not to show she had put any effort into it, and for what? Just so that Severus could send her on her way again? Just so that he could yet again tell her the things she had failed to notice? She could almost hear his voice. 'I _had_ stated quite clearly I wanted no part in your future, hadn't I, Miss Granger? I don't event want to know what possessed you to do this even as you are about to get married. Kindly leave me alone.'... Oh, Gods, he would hurt her, and she knew it, and she was still here. Damn him! Damn him and his bloody pensieve! What was he thinking, anyway, leaving a memory that was also hers lying around like that, for others to see? Hadn't he a shred of respect for her? He had cast her aside like a discarded parchment, and now here she was, getting sucked into it all over again because of his bloody pensieve. She could barely contain her fury when she knocked hard on his door.

---

Severus was on his eleventh glass of Ogden's Old Firewhiskey when the knock came. He wondered who it could be. Probably Draco had come to visit - even Albus wouldn't pay him two pity visits in a single afternoon. He opened the door but had no time to see who was on the other side before getting violently slapped.

"You bastard! You utter bastard, how _dare_ you? How dare you leave memories that are also mine in a pensieve, for anyone to find?"

The Potions Master stared, astonished. One of his ears still buzzed from the strength of the slap he'd received, and all he could think of was how beautiful she looked, glorious in all her righteous anger. Then he realised she had the power to take his pensieve away, even to have it destroyed since the memories it contained also belonged to her. She might argue with the Ministry that those memories were compromising for her, and that would be it. They would put a charm on him to prevent him from ever creating another one, and he would be left with nothing.

Hermione was feeling much better in her fury than she had in her fear. Angry was good, angry meant he had less chance of hurting her again. She raised her hand to slap him again, then stopped mid-motion when she saw his look.

"Hermione, please," he whispered, clearly broken, "I never meant for anyone to see it, please. I'll take better care of it, I promise. Don't take it away from me. You're getting married the day after tomorrow, you have a life of happiness ahead of you, that pensieve is all I have. Did I hurt you so much you would need to get even by taking away all I have? By leaving me with nothing?"

He was _pleading_. She had never seen him plead before, she never would have thought it possible. She could smell the alcohol on his breath but, for Severus Snape, that was hardly an excuse to lose control. And his eyes... so filled with pain... She couldn't understand it. How could that pensieve be all he had when it had been his choice not to want anything else? Her fury hadn't even been real, it had been an excuse, an outlet, an armour. Something to keep him from hurting her, but she could see that he was the one who was hurting. Suddenly she felt petty in her false anger, she felt small and mean. Then he whispered "Please. I have nothing else, please," and her heart nearly shattered. She allowed her hand to complete its descending arc but, instead of hitting him, she found herself pulling him closer into her kiss. It didn't matter that she couldn't understand what was happening, the only thing that mattered was that he was in pain. Then she felt his lips on hers and reasoning became too great an effort.

Severus could barely believe his senses, could barely believe she was kissing him for the first time in real life. He didn't even mind that it was probably out of pity - he was past the point of caring. He was completely sober by now, the effect of eleven glasses of Ogden's vanished as if he had had a sobering-up potion, and he intended to remember every second of this kiss, one more memory to store, one more treasure to relish. He refrained from holding her for fear that she might snap into her senses and leave him there, alone and empty, but he kissed her back with a vengeance. Then she pulled him even closer and he took the opportunity to finally bring his arms around her, shuddering in the relief it brought him. He was dimly aware of her stepping forward, further into his living room, and closing the door behind her. Her kisses became even more passionate after that and, before he knew it, they had already moved into his bedroom and they were both lying on the bed, Hermione's fingers fiddling with the buttons of his teaching robes. Severus didn't know why she would give him that - whether it was her way of having a bachelorette party, of saying goodbye to the past or if she was simply laying the grounds to be able to ridicule him later, he couldn't tell - but he didn't care; the woman he loved was in his arms, and he would live the moment to its full extent.

---

Three hours later they were both lying contentedly in each other's arms, none daring to speak. Severus was doing his best to appreciate what he had been given but, now that it was over, he simply could not bring himself to relax. It had far surpassed his wildest dreams, it had been... he had no words to describe him, not even to himself. What would she do now? Would she thank him and leave? Would she say that it had all been a terrible mistake and leave? Or, worst of all, would she laugh at him, would she tell him that, of all the lovers she had had, he was by far the most unskilled, the most unsatisfactory, and _then_ leave? The thought that he might have failed to please her was almost unbearable. Then he felt something wet on his shoulder, where his cheek was resting, and realised she was crying softly.

"Hermione!" He took hold of her face so he could look into her eyes. "Gods, I hurt you! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I-"

"Why did you do this to me?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. "Why, Severus, what did I ever do to you? Why would you do this to me?"

The blood froze in his veins. Was she suggesting he had raped her? _Had_ he raped her, in all his eagerness and desire to believe she would want him one last time? Gods, what had he done?

"Hermione, I... Gods, forgive me! I thought you wanted this, I thought...I didn't know..."

Hermione saw his fear and knew at once he had misunderstood her. She placed her hands on his to calm him down.

"Not that, Severus, never that." She caressed his cheek reassuringly. "Never that. I meant... all those years ago... why did you make me feel like I was nothing? Why did you turn me away like that?"

There was so much urgency in her voice... was it that important for her, with her wedding so close, to know why he had rejected her? If it was then he would tell her, he would hide nothing from her now, after what she had given him. It was the least he could do, even if it killed him. He tried to speak, but it was harder than he had anticipated and, before he knew it, tears were rolling unbidden down his cheeks.

"I... I wanted to give you a future..." He closed his eyes in an attempt to minimise the pain he was feeling. "I knew I would only be stealing from you if we stayed together... a Death Eater, Hermione, that is all anyone ever sees when they look at me... that is all I am, all I will ever be... I would have tainted you by association, you would have lost so many opportunities, I would have been... I would have destroyed your dreams, Hermione. I know I hurt you, but, in the end, it all worked out fine for you... You got the job you wanted, you're getting married... you're happy, love... I wanted to give you that..."

It was hard to take in all that she had heard. He had done it all for her? He had sacrificed everything they had shared... for her? And he had been cruel on purpose, had made her hate him on purpose - and had he just called her 'love'?

"What did you just call me?"

Severus lowered his eyes, ashamed. "Love. I called you love."

And it was then that Hermione finally understood everything. He _did_ love her, Draco had been right. All that pain, all that unnecessary pain and, in the end, he loved her. And now she had no idea _how _she was going to deal with Jeff but, however it was, she knew she couldn't marry him. She made a futile attempt to punch Severus' chest to release some of her frustration, but it was awkward in her lying position.

"Damn you, Severus! All those men... so many men I had, I was looking for something Severus, in all of them... I needed them to tell me I wasn't that ugly or undesirable, I needed... what I was looking for..." Suddenly a pair of strong arms was enfolding her fiercely and his lips were kissing away her tears.

"You are beautiful, Hermione, far more than that... you are wonderful, and Jeffrey Gainsborough is blessed if you found in him what you were looking for-"

She kissed him hard to silence him. She had wanted retribution all those years, to make him taste what he had made her feel, but she had never truly wanted to see him suffer, not like that, and, now that she knew the truth...

"You fool! I was looking for this... I was looking for you... In all those men, Severus, I was trying to find you. And, when I gave up I settled for Jeff, who was as different from you as he could possibly be. And as safe as he could be. I chose Jeff because there was no danger of him ever hurting me... because, even as nice as he is, I could never fall in love with him. Gods, Severus, do you honestly believe I would go ahead and get married after what just happened? After everything you've told me, after everything we did?"

Severus looked, stunned, at the woman he loved. Had she just told him his best efforts had been for nothing? He should be devastated, he should be thinking of her, and yet he couldn't anymore. He had spent so much time doing what was right, all for nothing, he couldn't bring himself to hurt them both again. He kissed her once more.

"Hermione, I... Gods, I love you so much... I don't know how to fight this, I... are you really telling me... you're not an innocent girl anymore, you've had so many men... how can you have possibly chosen me?"

He felt her stiffen and was suddenly afraid he had misinterpreted her, that she had meant nothing of the kind.

"How could I not? I never wanted any of those 'so many men', Severus -" she sounded bitter "- but the man I wanted had told me very clearly he didn't want me. What did you expect me to do, join a monastery? Wait for you forever? I-"

"Shhh. Of course not, love. I'm not criticising you, I just don't know how you could have chosen me."

"You don't understand, Severus, you just don't understand. It's not a matter of you blaming me, it's..." she swallowed. "It's just that I had something to give, and I wanted to have given it to you. It meant nothing the way it was, I can't even remember his name. You should have known I would be better with the man I loved, damn it! Why did you have to make me wait five years to have something meaningful? Worthwhile?"

He hadn't thought it was possible to love her more than he already did but, at that time, he loved her twice as much. No one else had ever managed to make him feel special, it was her unique gift.

"I'm so sorry, love. So, so sorry. I want you to think first and then, if you truly decide I'm the one you want, I swear I won't push you away again. Ever. But I want you to consider what you might be giving up when people you work with, your next door neighbours, people you call friends know you're involved with me. I want you to really think about it."

"You think I haven't already? My next door neighbours, for your information, are a lovely couple of muggles - I do live in London, you know. My friends, if by that you mean Harry and Ron, have known about my feelings for you for a long time. It might take them some time to readjust but that's their problem, not mine. As for the people I work with, Severus, I couldn't care less. And, if that affects my chances at work, then I'll sue their collective asses! Just don't ever make decisions like that for me again. You have no idea how useless I felt."

Suddenly he was on top of her again, kissing her as if the world would end. There were many other things Hermione wanted to talk to him about, but she felt his urgency, his need, all of his fears and wishes combined, and she didn't want to deny him that when he was so fragile. Everything else could wait. For now.

---

Severus woke up alone. His first reaction was to think that it had all been a particularly vivid dream, that she had never been there at all, but a quick observation of his body belied his thoughts. No, she had been there, she had simply left. His heart plummeted. Well, what had he expected, anyway? After every- a noise from his living room interrupted him. Not even daring to hope, he went to check it out. Hermione was sitting on the sofa, wrapped in his cloak while she hugged herself, facing the fire. He approached her tentatively.

"Hermione."

"I couldn't sleep."

Maybe she was having second thoughts. "Is everything alright?"

She turned to face him. "Hold me Severus. Please."

She was enfolded within his arms even before she had finished speaking. She leaned on him, shivering.

"You know I have to go."

"You... do?" Severus had tried to sound neutral, but he had failed miserably. Hermione saw right through him.

"Not like that, love. But I have many things to sort out... I need to talk to Jeff, to explain to him what little I can... there are too many aspects of my life that need sorting out... I'm going to need a couple of months if I'm to get everything back on track again, but it's as if every time I give you room to manoeuvre you just cast me away again."

He held her closer. "I won't. Not this time."

"I'll have your word on that, Severus. I'll have you promise you will never leave me unless you've stopped loving me."

Severus gulped. Promises were a very serious thing to him, and his word was sacred. The only time he had ever combined both had been when Albus had made him promise he wouldn't take his own life, and he had regretted it so many times... But he had made her suffer for five years. She deserved that from him.

"You have my word. I promise, Hermione, I will not leave you again."

"Unless you stop loving me."

"Unless I stop loving you." _But _that_ will never happen, love_.

She turned in his embrace and buried her head in his shoulder, breathing deeply. "Thank you, Severus. I couldn't go in peace if you hadn't promised. Thank you, love." Hermione gave him a slow, tender kiss and got up. "I must be going now."

"Now? It's three o'clock, wouldn't you rather wait for the morning?"

"It's best if I go now. I was thinking maybe I could meet you on the summer holidays, I'll probably have everything sorted out by then."

She made it sound so casual... Gods, the summer holidays were almost three months away... but still, everything would be as she wanted it to.

"I have a small house in Hogsmeade... I hardly ever use it, but you're giving me more than enough time to prepare. Maybe you could meet me there, stay there one night on the holidays then. The second day, is it a good day for you?"

"The second day will be fine."

------------------

**Author's Note: **Finally, the chapter when they work things out. Long overdue, I know, but I have a good reason for that, two in fact: toothaches. One of the teeth is already out (after five anaesthesias swiftly followed by two and a half hours of bleeding), the other one needs treatment and is busy aching right now. You could be nice and cheer me up with some reviews... Thank you! :)****


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